40 Days To Go

I'll be the first to admit that in my 48 years only a handful of things have mattered to me as much as this upcoming election. It's opened my eyes to many things that are wrong, things I didn't know or care about as recent as just a few years ago. It's opened my eyes to the fundamental differences in the way we think, what we feel, what we want, what we're frustrated with, and what's important to us. More importantly, it's the level of "personal" that's been spotlighted and made easier to witness thanks to social media. I think that for the longest time my scope was really, REALLY narrow. I had a job, I made money to survive and live, I had a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, I had medical insurance, I had a car, my parents were safe, my health was decent enough, I loved my family and I didn't think much about things outside of that immediate scope. Did I want more? Of course. The security that comes with a thriving savings account, money to blow, to not worry about utilities going up, or a minor disaster knocking me off course, sure that would have been made things easier, but on a day to day basis, I was happily plodding along with my blinders on. Things happened that would bump me off track. The Gulf War was probably the first time I found myself watching the evening news on a regular basis. Watching that unfold, trying to understand it, not having a clue, and feeling a bit shameful that I didn't have said clue. Then 9/11 occurred. That was probably the first time I felt shaken to the core, scared to the bone, all of the sudden. In my mind, it was out of nowhere because I had gotten complacent again, wasn't following world news and now it forced me to pay attention. It forced me to see outside the scope way more and I'll be honest, I didn't like it. I never really followed global politics. I mean, I knew Bush was pretty much an idiot. I knew he said stupid things and the media loved to have a laugh about it ("Fool me once....") and social media was picking up steam, more news, easier access to it with our fancy smartphones. Not to mention, growing up; more responsibilities, more concerns, and now, more questions. So, basically what I'm saying is a LOT has changed since the days of having a narrow scope.

So, for the last 8+ years, I think I've been more aware of what's going on around the world than I have ever been. Still, not in a "broad" scope kind of way, but having a LGBT-based podcast reporting on news that effects our community made me read, seek and research a lot of headlines about things I'd usually not actively look for, like our lack of legal rights. Legal HUMAN rights. For the longest time, flip-flopping around in relationships, no intentions of marrying, or reproducing, or buying property, stuff like that- those rights didn't mean much to me, personally. But my eyes were forced open by the friends I had made who DID want to marry their partners, who wanted that legal protection, who wanted to start families. Then I saw the activism. Seeing the tireless work being done to change laws on our behalf and it started to matter more. I was seeing worldwide LGBT problems, people dying because of who they loved, and young people taking their own lives because of bullying and shame. That's eye-opening stuff, right there. Slowly, what was happening was that not only was I starting to care more about what was going on, I was understanding what was important to other people, not just myself.

So, it's taken some time to get to where ALL of this "stuff" matters. The more I saw, the more frustrating it was, and at times, often painful to see and read about. Then it actually happened. When same-sex marriage became legal, when history was made, when voices were heard and laws were changed from DOMA, to the military, to marriage, it showed progressive and positive change was possible and it made quite an impact. Even though there is more work to be done, the thing to remember is that people are talking about it, openly, publicly, the discussions that used to be hushed or brushed off or that seemed so minor where now a major topic in the news, on the street and in Supreme Court.

I never knew much about the GOP, congress, the senate, the house, etc. Honestly, I don't know who I was passing notes to History class back then, or if I just didn't absorb it because I was so anxious to get to the mall or something, but it all went over my head and it wasn't anything that seemed to get discussed too much at home or anywhere else, for that matter, that I can remember. So, politics, government, world news, human rights.... not huge on my list back then.

Now, as an adult, I'm out there on my own having to do my own research and man, I'll say this, when your late to the game, you have a LOT of catching up to do. I think that's exactly what's happening to so many people my age. This is the first major election where so much is at stake because so much has happened, (and we've actually seen how far we can come) and we've been so exposed to everything because of the access we now have via social media, the internet and blessed are those of us who are now WAY more comfortable using it than we were 8, 9, 10 years ago. Well, now we have to use it to figure out who were going to vote for because this is too important to let go by all willy nilly.

So, I think we start by asking ourselves "what's important to me?" and then we get overwhelmed by just how much IS. My God, when someone says, "Think about what's important to you and then vote for the candidate you feel is best regarding those issues."  WHAT? Oh my God, where do I start? So many things are important to me......now.  I mean, from the local and state level, to the representation in the Senate, to the Supreme Court, to the President. It's ALL important to me....now.

The few things that used to be important were also pretty much secure (for lack of better word) a while ago. The housing market, the stock market, the FED, banks, the military, health insurance, our basic freedoms - never much to worry about. Now? Oh man, you bet you've worried. You saw your equity plummet, you saw interest rates skyrocket, you read about oil, gas prices as they slowly crept up, you worried about your job security, you got wrapped and squeezed by red tape when you tried to see a doctor, have a consultation, needed hospitalization, or when you needed a college loan for your kid, or to re-finance your mortgage. More and more things were effecting us on a personal level, things we were taking for granted, things we had taken our eye off, not knowing anyone had dropped the ball on, or were messing with are all fucked up! Your wallets, pay checks, savings, basically YOUR MONEY wasn't going as far and something was happening-things were all of the sudden stressful. Your family member, or a friend, or a friend of a friend was being deployed to Afghanistan or the middle east fighting terrorism. You or your child needed a prescription drug that was unaffordable even with insurance. Whatever was happening was right up in our faces now, at least that's how I felt. I had to start taking at look at what was going on. So, now we're talking about the "broad" scope. Why was congress stoping legislation on so many things that could help us? Why weren't banks and big corporations being held accountable for what they had done? What's the deal with big Pharma and the NRA and why wasn't more being done about justice, law enforcement and community issues? On a more grand scale, are we safe from terrorists? Why can they buy guns if they can't even fly? What is a No-Fly list, anyway? What's the hell is stopping things from getting fixed, or changed for the better? How did this happen?


So, here I am with more questions and concerns than I've ever had in my lifetime, and oh great, by the way, it's an election year.

I have got to weed out fact from fiction on my own and that means rolling up my sleeves and digging in on a level I've never experienced. In the last 8 months, I've stayed up until 5am at times watching interviews, political rallies, speeches, town hall meetings and political analysts on all different channels because I don't want to seem biased. I'm fact-gathering! I've read more news than I care to admit and as I'm doing so, I'm realizing that I've got to be the one to decide if what I see is true and that's not easy, especially with these two candidates. Up until two weeks ago, I even kept an eye on the Libertarian candidate on the off chance his ideas appealed to me, but sadly that stopped when he didn't know about Aleppo and then most recently couldn't name ONE foreign leader he'd like to talk to.

So, okay, I've eliminated that possibility and I'm left with the other two. When it comes to Hillary Clinton, I've dug hard and read, and scoured the internet for reports and tried to keep an open mind, which is hard when all you see is "Emails" and "Benghazi". So, I thought, "Let me go back further to try and piece together her history, her career" because honestly, all I really knew was that she was a democratic New York Senator,  First Lady for a period of time, and Secretary of State. I didn't know much else, nor did I care before. I did remember that she faced a lot humility in the press for standing by her husband during his plagued career in the White House. I didn't think less of her. I really just thought she was a mother and wife and whatever happened, her stance was to keep her family together at whatever cost and it actually seemed brave to me. I admired the decisions she made as Secretary of State and what that job meant; negotiations, compromises, listening, understanding foreign policies, finances, budgets, reading & absorbing reports and facts, all the while trying to please our President, our nation as well as our allies. But going further back, the dedication to serving the public and reading about where she came from, particularly (what her parents went through) and what's she's accomplished in face of constant and utter public scrutiny was, to put it mildly, impressive- and not because she's a woman, yes that alone speaks volumes, but because after a failure or a knock down, she kept going, kept getting things done, kept taking on more. Whether a man or a woman, her record of dedication and length of service stands to say a lot. It's not JUST about a woman breaking the glass ceiling to me, it goes beyond that. I'm quite certain that she knew running for President was going to put her in a hot seat over dozens of things that the public and media would latch onto from her past, and they would continue to dig and scrimp and spin to find anything that could be used against her, to disqualify her, to make her look like a villain, and by God they have. If there was something to uncover, to prosecute her for, to disqualify her for, wouldn't they have uncovered it? And, really, with her experience in politics, would she even run if that were a viable risk? Let's also get this straight: by experience, I mean just that. Having experience doesn't mean "four more years of the same", if anything it means, "I've watched, I've learned, I've failed, I've succeeded, I know what doesn't work, I know what NEEDS work, and I know between myself and the people I want on my committees and under me in office, we will get things done." Otherwise, why run? Because it's so fun? Because it's so awesome to be able to ring the White House staff and request some frozen yogurt at 2am if you want? Been there, done that, hasn't she? So... has to be more than the obvious.

The things I've come to learn about her negative headlines, especially about Benghazi, is that first off, anyone who takes a job at foreign embassy knows and understands the risks involved, and yes, of course they expect the utmost protection to be able to do their job and I'm certain they know that things can go downhill fast or even unexpectedly. I'm not dismissing the lives lost, but I have to wonder moving forward, for those still doing and working at foreign embassies, how safe are they going to feel knowing a hot headed, foul mouth candidate like Donald Trump could make it into office and say something offensive, some off the cuff remark that will spark unrest and jeopardize their safety in the foreign country their stationed at? After the amount of money and time, including the 11 hour congressional hearing that proved nothing, it's time for the GOP to focus on something else. It's not dismissing what happened. Lives lost, people effected, they won't forget it and they shouldn't have to and yes it would help to have someone accept responsibility and be held accountable, no doubt, because that's what needed for them to heal and changes to be made to ensure it wouldn't happen again in some other scenario but that falls on many people, not just one. So perhaps looking elsewhere could heal and help in the long run.

Secondly, this isn't the first "email scandal" to ever be reported. There were emails deleted and private servers being used by Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice before this and everyone is aware of that. The public doesn't get to decide that it was okay for them and not okay for her. Confidential and Classified are two very different things. You know what comes up marked "confidential" in my email? A sale from Lane Bryant Fashions because the word "account" was in the body of the email.

Look, I'm not trying to sway anyone's vote, or maybe I am, but I whole-heartedly admit that I know I won't, because I feel as much passion (in the opposite way) as a Trump supporter. But I will say this in the sincerest, most genuine, honest of ways: I don't understand the support for him. I don't understand how it can better to have a business man run the country. I don't understand it when someone says, "He made 650 million dollars this year alone, that's success!" What does that do for YOU? He didn't pay federal income taxes on it, but you paid yours and you made WAY less. How is that okay? Because he has lawyers scouring paperwork looking for loopholes not to? Because he lists his bullshit charitable donations that no one seems to be able to verify, as write offs to offset what he owes? The thing is, most importantly- I'm not reading some liberal or democratic made-up false headlines on the internet, I'm LISTENING to HIM as he says these things. I'm reading his tweets that he writes. I'm literally watching him hide his tax returns from the American public that he wants votes from. I'm listening to him admit he didn't pay workers, laborers, and small businesses who provided a service to him building his towers and businesses because "the work was unsatisfactory." Let me ask you, if you ordered a steak and it came out of the kitchen unsatisfactory, you took a bite, didn't like it...wouldn't you send it back? I mean, why not tell these companies he wanted it done better or differently, why WHY when you have as much money as God, would you just simply stiff them? Furthermore, why wouldn't you say, "That was a long time ago, I'll make it my mission to pay repay these hard working people, but let's move forward.."  ?? (Even if he had no intention!) Why go in front of 87 million viewers and act smug about it? And I'll go one better, when he's pressed about past settled lawsuits involving racially motivated, blatant discrimination on his company's behalf, he simply talks of more loopholes and settling "with no admission of guilt". I'm not reading something made up, I'm WATCHING AND LISTENING TO HIM SAY IT. I'm not deriving my opinion from non-credible sources. I'm listening to audio of him speaking. The awful things he says about women. I have given him the benefit of the doubt at times, thinking, "Well, that was a while ago." But, when they get brought up NOW, after having time to reflect, having time to grow as a person, perhaps? Nope- he doubles down. The ridiculous birther conspiracy, the fact that he's on his third marriage, cheated on two wives, bragged about it on Howard Stern's national radio show, and then wants to drag Bill Clinton, who ISN'T running for President into a national debate because of HIS past indiscretions...it's like watching a 12 year old on the school playground. How is it that his own indiscretions don't apply?! We all know about those. Why are his acceptable? All right, okay. Let's take another approach. In my mind, I picture his advisors, maybe, taking him aside, and in some kind of well thought out ("how do I NOT upset him, but still let him know...") manner try to coach him on a few things that may not be coming across well with the public. Ya know? Like, "Mr. Trump, perhaps it would be a good idea to stick to things we discussed earlier, like staying on point, keeping with our message, NOT reacting...thinking before you speak...."  and I can see Donald, nodding, squinting, taking it in momentarily, maybe EVEN KNOWING its sound advice. Yet, he is absolutely and completely incapable of keeping his shit together. That's not the guy I want sitting at the next UN Security Council Meeting with other World Leaders, representing MY country.  There, I said it.

But, let's go back to policy and issues - he talks a lot money, about keeping big corporations here in America instead of them taking their business abroad and yet his own manufacturing companies are in China. He says Ford Motor Company is leaving, and Ford Motor Company responds saying, "No, we aren't." It doesn't phase him.  He talks of how he would have done things differently, like "taking the oil" from the Middle East and none of this ISIS stuff would be happening.  Even I know that there are sanctions in place and are regulated by NATO and you can't just "steal" another county's oil! I looked at his website, and I'm no pro, but his tax plan seems to only benefit the wealthiest percentage of the country. And yet it's the poorest people that seem to champion him. All I can think is that maybe they're just impressed by all his money. "He makes millions, he's got hundreds of businesses, he's a smart guy." Is he? Mark Cuban makes more and he's not thinking he can run the country. Why is Trump's money a factor? What's he done to help you? He actually hurt you in the process of making that money. And he publicly said the collapsed housing market helped him buy more properties. I don't want a guy that cheers that kind of thing because it's better for him. That's pretty mean. Right? But again, what's he done in his past that would make anyone think he's going to help this country? If he wanted to help he would have paid his taxes and kept his multi million dollar manufacturing business here in America and create some jobs. Am I wrong in my way of thinking?
Did he work for children and disabled people's rights? Did he serve any public office? Did he turn down big money to go fight for better schools for our countries kids?

Okay, okay. Moving on, he pledged his allegiance to the LGBT people, saying "I will protect you" and then promptly chose Mike Pence as a running mate, who opposes the same-sex marriage laws and exactly one month after the Pulse shooting, met with an anti-LGBT organization, quietly, in Orlando, a few miles from where the biggest mass shooting in the US happened (at a gay club). He insults the African American community on a regular basis, and he thinks he can get Mexico to pay for building a wall. He wants to ban an entire religion and he's using that fear we felt after 9/11 to propel his stance on immigration. Again, not reading made up stuff, just LISTENING to him. Even when I try really hard to see or understand what people are attracted to about his campaign, I can't find anything. If trust is such a major issue, how can people trust a guy that says "Not paying taxes makes me smart" in front a gazillion viewers, then less than an hour later says, "I didn't say that," because I know it wasn't just me who saw and heard that! How is trust the key component when just about every single news outlet including Fox News plays a video or an audio clip or posts a tweet of his that is a direct contradiction to something he's saying OUT LOUD, in front of people, in the media, at rallies, on TV, on radio, in print...? I'm not understanding why the word 'trust' is even associated with him? Is it because he DIDN'T delete any emails?

Why not try to find actual, doable solutions that bridge law enforcement and their communities? Why not advocate for better, more modern and forward thinking training for them instead or ordering them to "Stop and Frisk" people based on their appearance?

I watched President Obama's Town Hall meeting with our country's military and families from Fort Lee last night on CNN, and to hear him speak about Bin Laden, Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, Sunni's and Shiites, as well as our relations with Turkey, Russia and Syria, I just kept thinking to myself that I can't in the furthest stretches of my imagination see Donald Trump knowing or understanding the intricacies it takes to be a leader, make life/death decisions, listen to generals, joint chiefs of staff, commanders, and allies, to take under advisement their experiences, and knowledge and to stay on top of it all 24/7 while still dealing with the economy, the deficit, health care, transportation, immigration, education and his own family along with the nation's families and their concerns. We don't even know who Donald Trump would appoint to the positions in office because he hasn't revealed it. But we know that Hillary Clinton was surrounded by intelligent, capable people while serving as Secretary of State, we know she was in the Situation Room when Bin Laden was taken out. We know she worked on peace treaties and sat in on hearings and meetings and traveled to 112 different countries and met with more world leaders than Donald Trump can name.

Because leading a nation is not just "business". All Donald Trump knows is business and I'm not even convinced he knows all that much just because he's made some solid investments here and there, opening fancy, exclusive golf courses you'll never play on, or building luxury towers you'll never live in, bankrupting casinos and businesses because it was easier than paying back the foreign banks he borrowed money from.  He sense of reality is distorted in a such a way that he could never relate to your problems, or mine. His parents were wealthy, he never saw them struggle, HE'S never had to struggle, he didn't know what is was like to worry about rent or food. His parents didn't know. They gave him everything he could ever want. He never had to pay back a college loan. He didn't have to worry about getting a job out of school, put gas in his car, pay an overdue electric bill. The Clinton's did. The Obamas did.

So again, what I'm saying is I don't understand how a guy that has a mother, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, can be okay with his President saying things like "Pregnancy is an inconvenience to business," or calling a Latina woman "Miss Piggy". I don't understand how a parent with a child who's gay or lesbian or trans would want a President that is not championing their human rights. I don't understand how someone who is worried about their son, or daughter or husband or wife who is serving in the military can vote for a guy that doesn't have a moral or ethical compass and wouldn't think twice putting them in harm's way on a whim. I don't understand how a person with a law-abiding, legal immigrant friend, or relative, who pays their taxes, works hard and has made a better life for himself and family here in America but prays to a different God, how can they be okay with President who wants to stop that someone seeking our same freedoms? How can someone who has seen or be a part of mugging, a robbery, a car jacking, been hurt or maybe has lost someone to gun violence want a guy in office who doesn't care about stronger background checks for gun sales? What is it that makes you want a man like this as our President? What world leader is going to take him seriously? What can he do for you? He took his companies that could have given Americans more jobs to CHINA. Why do you think he's not going to do that again? What's in this for you? I can't see anything in it for middle, working class you, your kids, your parents, your companies. I just don't get it.

Listen, I'm not saying that Hillary is standing in some rural Virginia-based McDonald's and throwing out $20 bills or even paying it forward in the Starbucks drive-thru line in D.C, but I feel like at least she's encouraging us and inspiring us, to be better, treat each other better, be kinder, be smarter and I believe it's because she truly believes that we can. I don't see that in Donald Trump. I see him riding on the backs of the little people, I see him flip-flopping, I hear him telling blatant lies, I see nothing honest about him from his personal life, to his public life to his business life. I don't see him trying to better OUR future, only his and that scares me more than anything.

My Blog, My Say

Let me start off by saying that although I live here in England, I am a United States citizen and I care deeply about what will forever be my homeland. The coming election in November is on my mind constantly even though this Brexit bullshit that's happening here is front and center.

Living over here has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Like any new experience, you have some important takeaways. Things that change you. Things that make you think. Ways you never knew existed if you hadn't experienced them yourself. Not all are good. Make no mistake, I'll never understand certain things like the popular foods, the lack of air conditioning, the plumbing, Parliament and so much more. The longer I'm here, the more I learn, so maybe one day, it'll make sense. What I DO know though, is that some things work really well. Some things can only be described as impressive. The gun laws, for instance. Impressive, to say the least. I can't explain what it's like to wake up and read or watch the news and not see a shooting in the headline. Just stop and try to imagine what it would be like every day to not hear about a local thug that shot a store owner, or a kid injured in a drive-by shooting, or a random robbery at gunpoint; to not hear about a cop shooting a person because they suspected he had a gun, or to not hear of a person shooting a cop. Can you even fathom what that's like? Let's go one further. Can you imagine NOT hearing a friend or a relative or overhear a stranger at a cafe blaming the nation's leader for it?  Blaming the actual President of the United States for the state of society's current climate? Listen, over here they have some seriously strict gun laws. Getting them, registering them, it's a process, a lengthy, sophisticated, complex process. There are so few illegal guns because of it. The police don't carry guns. They carry tazers, batons, sure; but if gun force is necessary, they make a call for the next level team. They rely on training, heavily. Even with the "open borders" policy, the terror threat level what it is, their presence has stepped up at soft target spots, but their weaponry: same. Still confident they can do their jobs as they always have. Citizens aren't crying about needing guns to protect themselves and their families and homes. This is a total melting pot of religions and ethnicities and sexual identities. They've had legal same-sex civil unions in place way longer than America has, so passing equal marriage law was tough to push up the ladder of Parliament, but it got done. Peacefully. Things get moved forward while traditions are honoured and history is preserved - it's an odd paradoxical way of life. Maybe because so many people migrate here. It's like the entire population living in Texas, all squished into a space the size of Rhode Island, if you can imagine.  There are immigrants who have lived here since the borders were opened to them 20 odd years ago, who have families, live an honest life, they are hard working, they have privileges and advantages they might never have had if they hadn't left their homelands. Yet, they co-exist and more often than not, peacefully. Something that, if I hadn't moved here, I would never think could be "a thing".  British people live to travel. I've never seen anything like it. Brits love a holiday. Their quest to see the world knows no bounds. For £100 you can fly to Spain, for even cheaper you can hop a quick flight to Amsterdam, or Denmark. They love going to Dubai, Turkey, Thailand, China, just about anywhere they've never been. They've been exposed to life in other places. It seems to have made them far more accepting of others who may not be just like them. They are tolerant, I'll say that. This Brexit thing, though, has brought out the worst in people lately, yelling racist or even homophobic slurs, stirring tensions they never knew existed.

I've been here 5 years and never really heard people say anything other than the passing jabs around election times. Sure, right now over here you can hear people blaming Cameron, Farage, Corbyn, and now Theresa May for the rocky state of things in Britain, post-Brexit. Of course. But, when I see and read things about the Brexit voters who squandered their voting right, or who didn't take the time and do the research, people who took the advise of their grandfathers, or someone who got a "tag line" stuck in their head and that was enough to convince them to vote "Leave", someone who thought it would be a good idea to "shake things up" for the hell of it because "it's not working the way it is now, so why not?" or someone who just didn't know what the EU meant, what it meant for a country to be in it, or futhermore what "Brexit" itself meant, they just blindly walked into their polling station and voted "Leave"...it honestly made my stomach turn. Why? Well, look at what's happened since? No plan, no exit strategy, no idea what to do next, and no one to turn to. England wasn't prepared because, let's be honest, no one thought it would happen. The "Leave" voters were quiet about their decision until it came time to vote. So, you can see WHY this election in the U.S. means something. Actually, it means EVERYTHING. What's happened here should be a lesson to you, America. 

In this day and age, with the media being what it is, so powerful, so influential, and yet so careless, it really is up to an individual to fucking THINK for themselves, to listen, to do whatever it takes to understand HOW something works, to decide what's important overall, get involved at even the smallest level to do some research, to not be led by fear, or snazzy catch phrases, biased news outlets, outspoken bullies or just quit being a slacker for once. Let's be honest for a minute. Most people don't think that much about something until it effects them on a personal level. My biggest issue is that people will make their minds up so quickly out of sheer frustration. They are effected by their own frustration. I can't even count how many times now that someone, mainly on Facebook, have said, "I'm fed up with career politicians. We need someone who doesn't play games, who isn't afraid to say what they think, to shake things up. I don't want 4 or 8 more years of the same shit."  I've had people tell me that not enough is done for our Veterans, not enough is being done to take out Isis, I've had people say they think President Obama is a Muslim, or that he's on the side of radical Islamists, that our troops are in danger constantly because of him and his decisions. They blame him for the racist climate that's growing, for the corruption or injustices that happen, yet time and time again, the bottom line is that those people are sitting on their asses, making assumptions, judgements and observations based on what they feel, not what they know. They don't know what it's like trying to push for change and getting blocked by the GOP. They only know the change that they wanted didn't happen. They fear someone knocking on their door and taking away their guns. They haven't listened to the purposed changes to gun laws. They only hear "2nd amendment rights" and they've stopped listening after that. They hang onto a Trump statement about "having more good people with guns to stop bad people with guns."  What that statement does is tap into an inherently deep fear that society has right now. Trump has found his niche. Between the wars, the growing number of terror attacks, the racial tensions that creep up because of the alarming number of shootings and the now uneasy, agitated cops due to the amount and ease of obtaining illegal and legal automatic rifles right in our own country - Trump has found the thing that we're having trouble with. The tender spot in all of us, he's found the thing that the press and people both are struggling with as a whole, and he's tapped right into it by promising to fix it. He thinks he's shining a spotlight on it, but the truth is, all of it has been happening for so long and it's only now because of social media being what it is, there's a platform to report it, share it, grow it, and most importantly manipulate it. 

When you have an injury, it hurts. When it's serious, it hurts a lot. When it gets to be unbearable, you know you have to see a doctor to make it better. Most of the time it gets better. Sometimes, it doesn't, but you have to try to make it stop hurting because no one likes to suffer. It may take a long and arduous treatment plan. It make take a few pills. Either way, you go to an expert and LISTEN to that expert, that educated person who knows more than you do about sickness, disease, the body, bones, blood- all the stuff you don't know because maybe you're a mechanic, or a salesman, or a housewife, or a CEO, but true as shit, you aren't a doctor. So, you listen, you do some research, you get involved in your treatment, you weigh your options, you make an informed decision. I know you see what I'm getting at here. And of course, there are no guarantees it'll get better. But, you did everything you could possibly do to make yourself well. 

What I don't understand is how someone who loves their wife, daughter, mother, aunt, sister, niece, or girlfriend can support a candidate who calls women "pigs", who doesn't want her to have a choice when it comes to HER body, someone who doesn't believe she should be paid equally for the work she does along side a male co-worker doing the same job.  Someone who professes his love for this country yet has his name brand suits, ties and caps made in China. Way to help the economy, Big D. What I don't understand is how someone who has a gay or lesbian son, daughter, niece, nephew, brother, sister, friend, or colleague can support a candidate that wants to take away their equal right to be married to the person they love after fighting so hard to get that right only just 13 months ago. There are so many things I don't understand about anyone who can support a candidate with no experience on foreign policy, that's never been in public service, that's never fought for a law to be changed, that's never had to struggle on the way up, that doesn't understand what a middle-class working person's life is like at all, that's never had a passion for politics, that's not well versed in debates, that's not a stable force, that doesn't know poise, doesn't know the first thing about crisis management, hides his tax returns, has a wake of financial debt and bankruptcies, lies repeatedly, thinks laws don't apply to him, who mocks the disabled, TWEETS insults, misspells those tweets, insults anyone who disagrees with him, and God, ugh-the list goes on and on. His ignorance is only matched by his self confidence in that very same ignorance and the worst part of it is that Trump prides himself on his supporter's ignorance. "I could walk out onto 5th Avenue and shoot someone and they'd still vote for me." There's more: "If I ever ran, I'd run as a Republican because they are the dumbest group of voters in the country. I could lie and they'd eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific."  Quotes. Quotes taken from actual recorded, printed interviews. Not made up lies. Actual quotes. No explanation or excuses like we've had recently when he was "only joking" or "just being sarcastic" about imploring Russia to hack into private email servers to look for Hillary's deleted emails. Nope, he just leaves those quotes hanging out there for all his supporters to see because he knows they won't listen, they won't feel it, they won't let it bother them because they want someone in office that's not a career politician. That's what they want. They want a guy that'll become instantly unhinged when challenged about anything. Because that's going help "shake things up." That's going make the "world be scared of us." 

I don't know about you, but one of things I think about a lot is the fact that our society is so glued to anything that "goes viral". We eat it up with a shovel. Any kind of 'expose', any kind of new discovery, any "Breaking News" aiming to tear into someone's fame or fortune. So, with that in mind, with so many fame-hungry reporters and investigative journalists out there looking for a big break, looking to crack something wide open, to expose an untruth, a pay off, or a cover-up then why hasn't Hillary Clinton been shut down? Could it be that there is nothing to take her down with? Could it be that after hours and hours of grilling in Senate hearings, and them mulling, and combing over documents and testimony that no one could find anything to charge her with? I feel like if something was there, someone would find it. Like a dog with a bone. Eventually, the bone gets found. No bone. Why, after much investigation, money, and time spent on it, was nothing classified or critical found, deleted or not, no chargeable offensive be dug up? If it's such an enormous big deal, why haven't we addressed the fact that it happened to both Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell? The very same thing. Private email servers, deleted emails. Same exact thing. Anything horrible happen when they did it? Anything horrible happen when Hillary did it? Even if people think "Oh, she got away with it!" Okay, let's say she did and she didn't get caught. I don't know about you, but I want someone with that kind legal finesse on my side. Does she have a never-ending jet stream of lawsuits surrounding her? Has she made her taxes public? Has she been sued? I want someone in the White House who has actually spent time in the White House. Do you think she hasn't learned anything from her time as First Lady or as Secretary of State? Like, she was just there eating apples and shooting the shit with world leaders about their kid's last crap-filled day at the zoo? It's fucking serious stuff that goes on in the Situation Room. Do you think Donald Trump has the attention span to listen and learn because I haven't seen that in him. In fact, the guy that ACTUALLY wrote "Art of The Deal", Tony Schwartz has gone public, openly stating that "the Donald" has no attention span whatsoever, to the point that he couldn't talk to him for more than 15 minutes without Trump ending the conversation, so Schwartz had to compile his material based on phone calls he was allowed to listen to and interviews with other people that had spent bits of time with Trump in order to get enough to put together the book about Donald Trump, that Donald Trump hired him to write! Is that the guy we need sitting in a room with world leaders? Is that the guy we think can learn ON THE JOB? I don't have time for that! Do we have four fucking years to hope he has the mental capacity to listen and learn the job of President of United States while he's actively the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? Or ..Ooooooo...maybe he can TEACH US a thing or two, huh? Like how to bully people? How to torture criminals? How to segregate entire religions and ethnicities? OMG, how cool! To kick out Mexicans and Muslims NOT JUST THE ILLEGAL ONES, guys, it's even likely those who have contributed to our economy, our armed forces, will be kicked out too, because why just stop at the illegals? Let's get 'em all out. Right? See what I did there? Just like him, I tapped into your deep seeded anger and frustration again with his bullshit about building a wall. I mean, I don't understand how this sits well with ANYONE, whether you support Bernie or Hillary or not. Just hearing this fascist rhetoric makes me question everything about humanity. The GOP is no better. Look how fast they jumped on Tim Kaine for wearing a symbolic pin that supported his son's marine troop, thinking it was some foreign alliance of some kind! And what about how before the DNC had even finished they were saying that instead of having the Mother of The Movement, the Mom's who had lost children at the hands of police, on stage pledging their support of Democrats, they felt the wives of the slain Dallas police officers should have had a spotlight on them. Well, guess what? They did have the spotlight... BECAUSE THE CONVENTION WASN'T OVER YET, they still had a day to go! 

I think the thing that we all agree on is that there is no such thing as a perfect politician. There never has been. We've had bumbling idiots in office from Ford to Reagan to the Bushes, who left piles of shit for the next guy to step in and TRY to fix against all kinds of odds. Maybe it's not better, but I look at statistics, real actual statistics from credible sources, and I see an improved job rate, a decent economy, I see growth. Futhermore, I see respect, I see steps forward, I see a movement towards equality, towards a better education system, I see a government that's trying to improve things, not sit back and do nothing. You know who's sitting back doing nothing? Trump supporters. Making memes about Hillary's looks, or making up lies about scandals, and her clothes and her family - that's not helping anyone. That's showing your true colors. And trust me, as a non-Trump supporter, I wish it was easy to sit back and say nothing about Donald, but the guy brings it on himself, not knowing that Tim Kaine was from Virginia, not knowing Scotland voted STAY in the EU, not knowing enough about NATO,  lying about Putin. The only reason he gets made fun of in the press is because he welcomes it. He welcomes being in the headlines whether he's being made an idiot of, or if Fox News is defending him. He doesn't care because he's a topic of conversation and that's all he's really about. His name, his brand, himself. "I, alone, can fix what's wrong with America." Does he think he doesn't need Congress or the Senate, or votes on things?? I kind of picture him sitting in the Oval Office with a shiny pen and saying, "Today, I'll stop ObamaCare," and signing a single form, thinking that's enough, and sitting back and shouting, "Ok, done. Hey, someone get me Netanyahu on the phone, that guy needs to know who's boss around here," as he clicks his pens like a mad man. Honestly, that's my vision of what he'll be like. Advisors, PR people shaking their heads in disbelief. 

The thing that really gets me pissed off is that, and I know you've seen stuff like this all over the internet, but it's really something to think about: if Hillary Clinton had 2 failed marriages, 3 kids with different men, if SHE had cheated on Bill, if SHE had personal and business bankruptcies, if SHE had cheated middle class working Americans out of payments for work they had done for her, if SHE called someone a pig, if SHE didn't make her taxes public, if SHE told a reporter to shut up or be quiet, if SHE asked Russia to hack into our government's emails, if SHE lied about knowing Vladmir Putin, if SHE had done just ONE of those things, she would not even be considered for President and you know it. You know it in your heart, you know it your head. And if we're being real here, let's not mince any words or facts: our current President has to STILL send troops out to clean up the absolute and utter mess that Bush and Cheney created when they started a war because THEY HAD A HUNCH ABOUT WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. A hunch. An unfounded hunch, to be clear. If your family has been effected by it, if your son or daughter or relative lost a life in this war, you have them to blame. If you're worried about our Vets, do something positive to help them. Make your voice known, start at a local level, follow the chain up to be heard, not just sitting around perpetuating hate about the guy that inherited the shit storm; that guy TRIES. What does Donald Trump do? Make up lies about Obama's birth certificate. Question his loyalty to the United States. What has Donald Trump done, even as a private citizen, to create change? Nothing, that's what. Has he even been on Capital Hill? Has he ever stood on the floor of the House and spoke up about something he cares about? Nope, just insult the judges, senators and governors that have. At least they tried, whether they succeeded or not, whether the change was for the better, whether it was something no one heard of, they TRIED. He's done nothing. He serves himself and that's all. He doesn't listen, he doesn't learn, and he doesn't know anything about what it takes to run a country and he never will. I don't want someone who thinks America isn't great, I don't want someone who preys on our fears, I don't want someone who has had everything handed to him, and come to him easy, I want someone who knows what it means to work. 

If you have a roof over your head, if you're lucky enough to go out to dinner, if you have children you're raising and know the struggles of living paycheck to paycheck, if you want better health care, a better education system, a better criminal justice system, changes on a local level, changes on a global level, if you want better medical research, if you want less fear, if you want more forward movement in government, in world peace - you can't possibly think he's the guy that's going to do it. I say it because nothing has ever been hard for him. He came from wealth. His father gave him a million dollars to "get started in life." Did he have to put himself through law school? Did he have to work at job and save money for a house? He's got a passion for seeing himself in the news. That's his passion. He has not laid out a plan of action throughout his entire campaign, he can't focus on an answer about anything important, he retaliates at the slightest remark regarding his knowledge. I mean, seriously, who says "I know words. I know a lot of big words."??  Who says, "bigly"?? He gets so rattled that he can't even get proper words out and this is the guy that could possibly have the nuclear code and classified information and intelligence? Uh uh, no way, man. 

I think it's grossly unfair that his supporters spew bullshit like, "I don't want another four years of the same thing." Oh, really? Eating out of a garage can, are you? Gas prices so bad you have to take the bus to a job YOU HAVE? Paying too much in taxes because you're so wealthy? Oooo, poor you. 

If you don't like it, why haven't you left for Canada already? Sick of kids shooting each other and cops shooting innocents, sick of homegrown terror psychos shooting up nightclubs? Sick of crazy white guys shooting up schools and cinemas? Well, change the gun laws. Make it just a LITTLE BIT harder to get a fucking Ak-47. I don't think people realize what they have in their own country, the freedoms, the luxuries, because most of them haven't ever travelled anywhere else so they think it's soooooo bad. But to those people, I say, your own ignorance is what's sooooooo bad. People can be smart; you can have an ivy league education, a ton of money, a great job, you can be talented, creative, and be strong, but you can also be intolerant, illogical, ignorant, fearful and narrow-minded at the very same time and that's what Mr. Trump is counting on, my friends.

It's exactly what Nigel Farage and his "Leave" voters counted on, too. I can understand American's not fully understanding the implications of what's happened with this Brexit vote here in England, but I truly, TRULY, hope that you'll do a bit of research about it, from every angle, and get better informed about it. I seriously pray you don't end up in an extremely similar and scary situation: worried about the future of the economy, your pensions, the housing market, about the leadership of the country in general, the taxes, the businesses, market trade, the borders, the immigration policies, the families who lived here legally (because the borders were open) that will get sent away now, about the National Healthcare System (NHS), security, the advantages, financially and otherwise that being part of the EU afforded the country. Now, all of which hangs in the balance because of the EU referendum vote that happened on June 23rd, and more importantly, that was voted by supporters who knew nothing about what they voted for. 

You can defend your choices all you want, but you had better know what changes you're in store for if you are solid in your way of thinking. You also should know that your friends and family, that you hold so dearly and treasure, their lives will be just as effected as yours. So when you're cheering for that big Cheeto-faced, blow-hard that's full of empty promises and has the experience and leadership skills of a 12 year old schoolyard bully, while you're hoping, voting and cheering him on, you're hurting a lot of people you claim to care about.

Sure, it works two ways, but logically, and I DO mean logically, you can't fault the people who support and want a qualified, level-headed, experienced, stable, equality minded person that's got the political pedigree that's needed to lead a nation towards the change it needs. Logically speaking, I mean. 

The New Normal....

Gone are the days of using social media to share pics of your kid's, their accomplishments, your accomplishments, your pets, your garden, your dinner, your fancy drinks, a funny ad at the store, baby bunnies eating carrots, cute puppies cuddling babies, your friend- face first in the bushes after a drunken night out, your Dad napping during the big game, your new sneakers that you probably paid too much for, your favorite singer or celebrity crush, your new car, your old car, a snail on your fence, a perfect cup of coffee and other thing that seemed trivial or huge to YOU.

Remember back when you weren't subliminally trying to scar someone that hurt or wronged you? Remember when you weren't posting something snarky to piss someone off because you are now addicted to getting a gasp or some kind of reaction? Remember when you didn't have to post some new finding that you think will change everyone's mind about something? Remember when you weren't digging at an ex? Or trying to scorn someone that posted or tagged you in something you didn't find very funny? Perhaps you saw something they posted about a political candidate that you don't support, or perhaps they hunt and you support animal rights, perhaps they eat meat and you're a vegetarian, or vice versa- either way, you've found the perfect meme to post and without ever saying a name, you've made yourself feel better because you've posted your opinion and somehow you just know that the person you aimed it at saw it and now you feel like a million bucks.

Remember when you got on social media without some hidden far-fetched agenda? Remember when you things didn't bother you as much, it was just fun to interact with people you don't get to see too often or people you really just enjoy? Remember when there was no ulterior motive for the things you posted, it was just because it was funny or silly or cute?

Remember when you liked most of the people you follow? You enjoyed what they were sharing and posting, you looked forward to scrolling through your social media feeds? Remember when you were maybe just mildly passionate about a sports team and you were proud to post a score or a win, knowing you had followers and friends that were for the opposing team and it would grind them a bit but all in good fun?

Gone.

Like a fart in the wind. Long gone. Far off.

It wasn't that long ago, either.

Maybe it's politics. Maybe it's religion. Maybe it's the media coverage of every single bit of everything that's out there. Maybe it's the horrible things that happen in the world that we just didn't know about before the vast internet and the new breed of reporting it's spawned. Maybe it's because we've lost sight of what makes us happy because we've been seeing so many things that make us unhappy. Maybe we're geared now to react to anything that gives us a pang. We don't just think about things anymore, we're compelled to open a dialog, react, provoke, gather more info, get a plan of action together, "DO SOMETHING!", as if thinking about it ISN'T enough. We have to share our every thought about it and see what everyone else thinks, because ....well...because why? Does their opinion matter THAT much to you? Is it just because it's become a habit to have to know what everyone else is thinking and saying? What exactly are we addicted to? The response? The reaction? The knowledge? The good, the bad and the ever-present ugly....all of it?

Not to mention the fact that I feel bad for the public figures out there whether they're politicians, journalists, singers, actors, directors, chefs, TV personalities, producers, directors, bloggers, vloggers, an unfortunate person who's picture or video has gone viral and is now the butt of a meme, or the topic of hate mongering. I guess they know what they're in for, it comes with the territory. I wish I had the thick skin they have to not let it bother them to know that millions of people are calling them assholes, posting crap about them, teaching their kids NOT to be like them, hating on them, inciting others to hate them. What must THAT feel like? Does it spur them on? Do they really think  they can please everyone or even just the ones that matter to them? Are they trying? Do they care? Does it bother them? The responsibility must be tremendous. The flip side is they will always end up finding people who love them and worship them, support them and believe in them. That must feel pretty good. I guess that's what they hang onto.


I mean, I have 1300 Facebook friends, almost 10,000 Twitter followers, and no, I don't care about all of them or even know all of them or care what they think and it sort of bothers me that they THINK I care. I mean, they must ...or they wouldn't post or comment on anything I put out there, right? I used to really have fun with social media. It seems like these days, people are quick to point out a flaw, whether it's your hair, your eyes, your nails, the background of the pic, anything. Don't get me wrong some people are nice or complimentary. Some people just give it a "Like" and that's enough, really. Nowaday, though, it feels like 11, 300 people are arguing all the time over every little thing from vaccinations, politics, gun laws, human rights, government, animal rights, Wall Street, banking, housing markets, pharmaceuticals, the elderly, the young, sports competitions, schools, crime, restaurants, cars, food, mental illness, genders, bathrooms, refugees, terrorism, borders, TOILET PAPER under or over, Starbucks versus Dunkin Donuts, meat-free, diary-free, gluten-free, this diet, that diet, these exercises, those exercises, stores, shops, fashion, lifestyles, nothing is safe from a good ol' fashioned "healthy" debate with some underlying venom thrown in for good measure and of course, a bit of subliminal under current to get you see things how someone else sees them.

There are valid arguments on both sides of everything and most people really aren't willing to listen or open their minds up to something other than what they've been convinced and what I find the worst part of it to be is that those are the exact people who are going to go to any length to make YOU hear THEM and most of them do it through social media. I've been on Facebook since 2009 and not once have I seen someone actually say after a 79-comment-thread of debates "OH, I GET IT. THANKS FOR HELPING ME SEE THINGS YOUR WAY."  So...why do we do engage? Is it the hope? Is it the rush of speaking your mind? Is it putting someone in their place? Have you? Or did they just decide that it's time to walk their dog and get off Facebook for a while? You'll never know, but you're sitting there feeling pretty damn good about your last comment. Like... you're validated. Your self worth just ramped up to an all new high because you had 3 points to their one. The reality is that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. They are out enjoying the cool night air, the stars in the sky, the pitter patter of their dogs little feet on the sidewalk. You are sat at your laptop, with your drink to the right, the TV on mute, the glare of the blue screen in your pale, demonic face, happy as clam because, hey- you won that battle- now, onto someone else who doesn't agree with you. It feels like a sickness. But it's really just the new normal and I, for one, am sick of it. It doesn't mean I'm shutting down all my accounts and logging off of everything although that would be a really nice feeling. I just mean that I have to find a way to NOT let this ridiculous online culture that we've stretched and battered and shaped into a virtual monster mind-fuck way of life stop me from being the big old fluffy fun person I've always been.

To be honest, I don't care if you aren't sickened by it. I don't care if you see it another way. I'm not asking what you think. If I want to know, I'll ask. But just know that if I don't say the words: "What do you think?" I really don't care. To be fair- neither do you. Maybe you don't want to admit it, but you don't. What I think or feel isn't going to effect your day for one minute so why can't you resist the urge to tell me to go fuck myself, to tell me what you think, to comment, to post, to email me, to post some off the wall meme that's the direct opposite of what I feel? Probably because social media allows you to, just like it allows me to post this and by doing that, I assumingly welcome your comments, when in actuality, I really don't. Don't lecture me on changing my settings, either. I know I can turn off the comments, I know I can make my shit private, I don't need you to advise on my own mental health, here, DOCTOR.

I wasn't on the debate team in high school. I don't watch debates on TV. I don't like seeing them unfold on Facebook every 30 seconds. I don't feel like verbally defending my opinions or thoughts or posts is healthy, fun or necessary. I never have, not before social media and not because of social media. I find it draining and certainly not passionate, not powerful, not empowering, not anything but exhausting. Oh, and possibly annoying.

Seriously, I don't know how Kanye does it.

I once dated someone who thought so hard about everything: the food she put in her mouth, the things she would say in casual conversation, anything she purchased, what she wore, how she looked,  what car she drove, what she read, what she watched, how she reacted, what she felt her body was telling her, just everything in general- and I remember thinking, "That's why she's always tired!"  It was exhausting to watch let alone be a part of. I guess some people are just geared that way. Maybe it's genetic. Maybe something happened in their childhood to make them that way, maybe they actually like it, the challenge it presents, rising to it, minute to minute, always winning, maybe it's what makes them happy. All I know is, the older I get the more I find happiness in the simplest of things, mainly because you can fit more of those in your heart and head than the things you have to fight so fucking hard for.

Not saying those tough things aren't rewarding, because they are and we need a few of those to remind us of how nice the easy, simple things are.

I don't know it all. However, I do know that I don't want the new normal to be "always feeling pissed off". Pissed that this person said that, or someone did that, or voted this way, or didn't support that, or DID support that, or doesn't like this or likes THAT. I don't think that's healthy. Yeah, I get that it's MY problem. My way of fixing it is to change my own perception, not yours. By writing this is my first step. I don't know what the next steps are or if this will help but dammit, I'm trying.

As Rose says, "Worry about yourself!"  and I am, Rose. I really am.

https://youtu.be/4A6Bu96ALOw

Remember the "Best"...? Screw that.

Back in my twenties and probably a bit of my thirties, I can vividly remember how important it was to be the best at everything. I don't even know where it stemmed from. I was never one of those kids that needed my parents approval because, well... I was an only child. Everything I did was celebrated and praised, from finger paints to short stories to swimming pool jumps. As an adult, I had never been fired from a job, or experienced any huge disappointment with projects or work or attempts at things.

Yeah, I quit dance lessons at the age of five. Okay, that may have been a pivotal moment, but I had my reasons for sitting cross legged on the stage in the middle of the recital: I didn't want to be the frog in the dance academy's production of "Dr. Dolittle's If I Could Talk To The Animals". Whatever. But, the thing is, as a grown up, I guess we all get a little competitive with ourselves at a certain age. I wanted to be the best podcaster, the best show host, the best writer, the best case manager (when I was in the insurance business), the best business person, the best cat owner, the best wife, the best lesbian (is that even a thing?), the best at sports, the best at cooking, the best game player-- the list goes on and on.

Although I never had to strive at being the best daughter because like I said, my mother was always there to support and cheer anything I did and she let me know with every card, every clap, and every hug. My father passed away when I was 19, but I even remember him praising my softball skills and my art work from high school, things that were so important at the time.

I can't remember the exact moment that it hit me, or even if it was a gradual change but something clicked and all of the sudden I began to realize that when I was so focused on being the best, I was missing out on the actual experiences themselves. It was all a bunch of extremes, either I was doing/being the best or I was pissed that I wasn't. There was no in between. Knowing myself as I do now, I'm pretty certain that the thing that made me come to this realization was that I was exhausted from the two extremes. I wasn't having any fun. I was either raging with confidence or wallowing in insecurity- those were the two constants in my being the best. Also, theres a fine line between being confident and being cocky. Nobody likes a cocky asshole. Not saying that was me, but from where I sit now, I can honestly say, in this day in age- there are a LOT of cocky assholes out there and I feel bad for them.

I surely don't think changing my perspective is any indication of failure, or giving up. Like I said, it was a matter of being exhausted at trying to keep up the momentum and operating on praise. I can remember thinking, at some point in my thirties, maybe it wasn't so hard to be a great case manager, handle a multi million dollar account, keep a super clean condo, have two happy healthy cats, a great relationship with my family, a successful podcast, a big circle of friends, and still have time to watch football on Sundays and take a nap, knowing I had a fridge full of groceries and options if I wanted to go out socializing. But, the truth was that it WAS hard. I mean, seriously. Even though there was no better feeling riding the "Best" high. Then there were times when I would sit on my sofa, in tears, because I took out a second mortgage on my condo, to keep up with the Joneses (as they say), I had recently been diagnosed with Adult On-Set Diabetes, my Jeep was in the repair shop, my mother being diagnosed with MS, knowing there was nothing I could do to help her situation, not feeling like going into work and dealing with other people's bullshit and feeling like I was the biggest failure on the planet.

I guess as I've gotten older, I remember the emotions that came with feeling of not being the best and over the years, those feelings became triggers and as I grew up I knew that I didn't want the failure feeling triggers anymore. It's always an effort when you want to change something within yourself. This was no different. It's a challenge every moment when you have to change your instinctive perspective of a situation but I did it. Over time, it's become easier, and although I still get sweaty palms and can feel my heart rate accelerate when I see my podcast numbers slow up, or I get constructive criticism from my senior editor at my new job, or my Mom has a bad day, or my house is a little messy, I still make every effort to relax and accept it, knowing things will level out, get better, or even just understand that I tried my best and that's all that matters. In the grand scheme of things, my Mom is doing good more often, my diabetes is controllable with pills, my house is fine, my work is fine, my wife is fine, my life is fine. I'm happy with how it's rounding out. I don't have to be the best at everything all the time. My family, my wife, my friends, my pets, my co workers, my business and show are all still here and no one has stink-eyed me or abandoned me or made me feel unworthy of anything. If I've lost anyone along the way because of who I am, they weren't worth keeping around anyway. So, why should I stress myself out trying to be number one at everything? Life is full of mistakes. You make e'm, you learn from 'em and you move on, hoping to not repeat 'em.

Listen, people in your twenties, I know being the best is what drives you, and that's perfectly fine. It's probably what you feel defines you. I just think later on in life, you'll find that other things become more important than being the best and when that happens, it's a beautiful thing! It's like you've been surfing the biggest waves but all of the sudden, sitting on the board, floating and watching the sun rise or set just might beat that feeling of riding a wave for a change and that's not a bad thing. 

One of the most important things I've come to learn is that it really feels good to be actually experiencing things for what they are and not consume myself with what the outcome is going to be -anything really- like events, life moments, other people's happiness, other people's successes. As long as I'm happy, and I'm not causing anyone grief, why should I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect? I feel like I've given myself permission to live for me, and not for anyone else. Not a friend, not a family member, not a co-worker, not society- no one but me. And it's exhilarating, to say the least.

Now that I'm well into my forties, I can honestly say that it's been pretty cool to NOT carry around the weight of being perfect, or being the best or worrying about what other people think. I can look at something I wrote and be proud of it before anyone else even sees it. I can do a chore and give myself a pat on the back. I can do a podcast about stuff I like and not worry about who else likes it, I can fold a fitted sheet the wrong way and not give a shit because, above of all, who even gives a crap about stuff like that? Who am I trying to impress? If your good at something, you'll always be good at it. You don't have to be good at everything. Fuck that fitted sheet.

Another thing about all this is that I don't think you can rush yourself into that phase of your life. You have to experience it organically. You may have to do a little honest soul-searching to come to grips with giving yourself permission to lighten up. You may still worry about other people's approval, like your parents, or friends. Maybe you're still figuring out who you are. Maybe you embrace the kind of challenge it poses, maybe your will power and sheer determination to be the best is what you like most about yourself. Ahh, I remember those days well. It just means you aren't ready. It'll happen, though. It's inevitable. It's nothing to try and stave off, or fight. Think of it as treating yourself a bit better, giving yourself a much needed break. Okay, maybe it won't happen for some because it's a sign of failure but I assure you it's not.

Whatever it is- I'll tell you this much- that "Best" pace won't last forever. I mean, listen, I'm not saying stop working out, stop pushing yourself in areas of interest, or to start telling people to fuck off, I'm just saying, mentally, once you've given yourself permission to take a break from that "Best" bitch, and you see that it's okay to let up on the gas pedal, I think you'll dig cruising into this new phase of life.

All of the Sudden…BOOM, You're Sad.

I'm pretty certain anyone can relate to this happening at some point in their lives. For me, it's happened just recently, at the age of 46. When you're coasting along in your life and all of the sudden, you're sad. Just SAD. You don't notice it right away even though the signs are all there: not motivated to do anything, and I mean anything, like finishing projects you started, whether it's DIY stuff, garden stuff, or even personal projects like writings, paintings or a web design or something. Then other stuff starts becoming a challenge, the usual  routine stuff seems like a load- simple stuff, like emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, cooking a meal or putting away the fresh laundry.

You go out with friends who seem to never be at a loss for words or interesting stories and you have nothing to add. You used to be the life of the party and now you're sitting there with a drink in your hand, watching everyone else talking and laughing, and all you can think about is how you'd rather be home in comfy clothes and slippers, watching television.  I don't know how I thought this was normal. Probably all those Buzzfeed posts about "Life in Your Forties vs. Life in Your Twenties" or "How to Tell You're An Old Married Couple" or whatever.

But, one day, you wake up, get your coffee, sit down in front of the computer, scroll through your Facebook and Twitter feeds and every post has some sort of sappy story about a lost dog, or a mother cat who hugs her sleeping kitten or a baby piglets and goats playing and squeaking, or dogs that attend their owner's funeral or some inspirational kid with Downs Syndrome who completed a marathon while the city cheered and you just start crying. First off, you think: "Well, nothing like a good cry to start your day," but then it hits you- you're sad ALL day long and it's not because of the videos. Even though no one died, no one is hurt, the animals are fine, the sun is shining. Yet, there you are. Sad. For no reason. Then it slowly started making sense.

I hadn't plucked my eyebrows in months, I would wait until I couldn't stand my hair before I would get it cut or dyed, I would let my podcasts and writing go until the last possible second because I just didn't feel like doing them. I didn't care if my sneakers were old, if my jeans had holes, if I saw or talked to anyone for days. I couldn't find the tiniest joy in anything any more. It's different from a depression, I think (I don't know for sure) because I wasn't UNaware of all things I had to be grateful for or  the people I love or who love me. I was still appreciating those things. I wasn't suicidal, I wasn't in a daily struggle with demons, or in an obvious blue funk, I was just a big lump of lazy. Maybe that IS depression, I have no idea. Could possibly be, I'm no doctor or therapist, that's for sure. It was just a quiet, underlying unmentioned, unaddressed sadness.

That's been me for quite some time, and even though I have a seriously charmed life, and I've recently quit smoking, you can understand how confusing it is as to why I would be sad. Not just a basic sad. I've been unexplainably consumed with sadness and was just now realising it so I knew I had to take a deep look at what the hell was going on. My mind was all over the place. I was suddenly, out of the blue, really aware that I had no self confidence any more. To make matters worse, I felt like if I was feeling this, then of course my wife probably felt the same way about me- did she have no confidence in me, either? Then that became something to worry about which added to my sadness.

When we sat down and had a heart to heart discussion about what was going on, I told her everything I had been feeling. I was down on myself for not being able to find even the smallest, insignificant part time job. I had gained weight when I stopped smoking. I was feeling lousy constantly, everything ached, I had colds and illnesses all the time. I didn't want to do things or go places. I was telling myself it was because I was just unmotivated but the truth was that I had really become fearful of going out because I had no confidence in the way I looked or felt. I was in the same clothes over and over, I went days without putting on make up because why bother? I wasn't going out, I wasn't going to see anyone. I didn't even care that I wasn't taking care of myself, I guess because in my mind, I was the only one who had to see me, no one else, and I just didn't give a shit, really.

I was SO far from that person I was 5 years ago. I realised so much of my recent behaviour was because I was so unhappy with myself. It was causing me not to be able to make friends, even though I had convinced myself I just didn't want any more. It was causing me to gain weight. Just buying bigger clothes wasn't hiding anything. The truth of the matter was I was so worried (and sad) about what people might be thinking about me that it was just easier not to be around any one. I thought about how I was just a few years ago. I liked going out and meeting people, socialising, hosting events, going to different festivals and places because everything was material to write about. I could usually make it funny, too. It was exciting to be on stage, it was exciting to be a part of something, to be around people and lately, none of that was happening.

It was literally painful to admit it all. Plus, I didn't know how blatantly obvious it was to my wife, and furthermore, I didn't truly know the effect it was having on me, mentally or physically. But, I was getting it all out now.

As I listened to myself pour out my guts and everything that was weighing on my mind constantly, I heard how devastatingly unhappy I was….with myself.  Not my life, in general, but with how I was living it. When my wife began to cry, I knew we had a real problem because she doesn't cry over ANYTHING ever. When I said, "What are you thinking? What are you feeling? Why are you crying?"  She simply said, "…because you're not happy and I know you're not happy, but I don't know what I can do to make you happy because I feel like there isn't anything that I CAN do." For me admitting all of it was hard, but listening to what it was causing someone else was gut-wrenching. "I want you to be around for a long time, but I want you to be that happy, funny person I fell in love with again."

She felt all kinds of pressure to entertain me, after her long hard work weeks, she felt like she had to come up with things for us to do, which isn't an easy task because I didn't like walking, I didn't like bike riding, I didn't like anything too physical. I didn't like being out late, I didn't want to go far, I didn't like being out when it was too hot, or cold or rainy or snowy, etc, etc. As she poured out her feelings (which she doesn't do too often) I realised what a GINORMOUS pain in the ass I had become. How much longer could she go on around me like this? Ugh, I was overwhelmed with what I was hearing, feeling and with what I was facing.

Simply because I didn't like myself anymore -- and with that came fear, anger, and most of all sadness. The fear was causing the limitations I was giving in to, the anger was coming from the fear, and the sadness came from not doing anything about it. It was a vicious cycle.

I have never been one to put a lot of effort into change. I didn't like change. I didn't like challenges. I don't like them. Still. I don't have a lot of will power or determination, I'm not hard on myself about anything. I like things simple and easy and routine. I don't know where it came from because my parents aren't like that. Well, maybe my Dad was a little bit like that, but he's been gone for like 25 years so I can't blame him. My mother rises and faces each day with MS, and barely complains about anything, like how difficult it is to walk, to get around the house or a store, to carry groceries, to clean, to entertain her friends, to have company over, to just make dinner. So, I have no clue why I am the way I am. But, I am this way so trying to fix THAT is a whole other story.

For now, I knew I had to tackle the things that were immediately causing me to be so unhappy. I felt like there was now this pressure to be better otherwise my marriage was at stake, my life over here in England was at stake, and I had to do something pretty fucking fast.

I was worried about failing, though, so I knew I had to be careful not to jump into some massive lifestyle overhaul I would soon get sick of and stop. So, I've decided to make small changes about what I eat, the amount of physical activity I get, the way I think, and how I look at things, mainly myself, moving forward. I'm trying to trick myself into not thinking these are huge things I'm changing on a minute to minute basis every single goddamn day, but in fact, they are- and each time I make a better decision than I have in the past, I'm feeling a little better, a little happier, a little more proud of myself, and that's making a difference in how I'm doing. It's not easy. It's not going to be easy. I'll have set backs, I'll have days where things don't go well, but it's a matter of getting back in the groove right away and moving ahead to better days. Look, I'm not going to make the right choice every time, but I find what's happening is I'm getting into a rhythm of feeling proud of myself when I do and I haven't felt proud of myself in a really long time. Understanding things like that are a big deal. So part of getting myself to better place is being able to recognise that but it's also not falling into a trap of beating myself up too badly for being that way in the past.  Or if I do have a gelato at the mall once in a while.

Sometimes I think that somewhere deep, down inside I knew this day would come, where I would have to make big changes but focusing on everything and everyone else around me helped keep it at bay for a really long time, and I think my sadness started when all of the bad choices kept bubbling to the surface and annoying my thoughts so I would smoke, eat, nap, clean, focus on all kinds of stupid stuff instead of myself in order to avoid facing the realities that were catching up to me.

Now, they're here. Right here. Doing all kinds of damage. Not just to me. Now, I've said them out loud, I've written about them, I've talked to people about them, and I'm completely and utterly aware of them at all times. I'm aware of them when I eat a healthy breakfast, I'm aware of them when ride the stationary bike for 20-30 minutes a day, I'm aware of them when I walk around the block every day, or to the store, or to a friend's house, I'm aware of them when I pick out normal clothes to wear, I'm aware of them when order a salad instead of a burger, I'm aware of them when I choose a vegetable instead of fries. I'm aware of them every time I make the right choice about what to be eating, wearing, or doing. I'm aware of them when I'm getting things done, and I'm aware of them as I'm moving on….and you know what?  SonOfaMonkeysUncle, I'll be damned: I'm aware that I'm gettin' happier. I feel heaps better all the way around.

I didn't add a bunch of pictures this time (only a few) because it would end up looking like an episode of "The Biggest of Loser" but I did find this one picture of a monkey and he's probably another monkey's uncle, so …there's that.

14 Signs That Your Co Worker is A Lesbian and Why You Shouldn't Care

Here's a few signs that you may be working with a lesbian and why you shouldn't care…


1.) She takes a lot of Fridays and Mondays off in the summer.
And FYI that's because she plans her time around Lesbian and/or Pride Festivals. You may notice she returns with a lot of new colourful wristbands, rope bracelets, silver jewellery and she's moving a little slower than usual. Don't be alarmed. She's just had the time of her life at Girls in Wonderland, WomenFest, Gay Pride, L Fest or a Lilith Fair-type of thing. So what if she's walking funny.
Why you shouldn't care:  Mind your own beeswax. She doesn't care that you wore the same clothes into the office the day after last week's Happy Hour.

2.) She gets more excited about Casual Fridays than anyone else in your office and makes the most of it by sporting a pulled back ponytail, faded jeans, an UH-Huh Her t-shirt and Converse sneakers.
Why you shouldn't care: Secretly, you should admire how she can get away with throwing on a blazer and making that funky look work.


3.) Normally, she's dressed like any professional police woman detective, investigator or crime fighter on televison: navy blazer, a fitted button down light coloured shirt, navy chino front pants and a smart looking pair of sensible-heeled ankle boots, like Jane Rizzoli.
Why you shouldn't care: It's that look you see on every other night on "Castle" or "The Mentalist".

4.) She knows more about Orphan Black, Pretty Little Liars and  Orange Is The New Black and Grey's Anatomy than anyone else you know.
Why you shouldn't care: You could stand to know a little more about these current pop culture television phenomenons.

5.) She is the one that will likely bring a vegetarian dish to the office pot luck lunch.
Why you shouldn't care: You could probably add some healthy options to your meal plan.

6.) She is better than any of the guys on your company softball team and enjoys it more than anyone else that you work with, even Sunday practices.
Why you shouldn't care: You won the Inner-City Park League Corporate Championship, didn't you?

7.) She never engages in catty talk about the bitchy, tall, blonde boss lady.
Why you shouldn't care: She isn't being a goody-two shoes, she's just picturing what it would be like to get that saucy minx into bed.

8.) She knows more about your gay office boyfriend than you do.
Why you shouldn't care: You were off in the Hamptons with your boyfriend/husband drinking mimosas and stomping divots, while they were at the same Gay Pride Parade, where his boy toy was walking him on a leather leash.

9.) She was the first one in the office to get those ultra-chic black square frame eyeglasses.
Why you shouldn't care: They get her a ton of compliments …..in the lesbian bars

10.) Every Monday, she talks about what she and her group of friends, who all seem to be girls, did over the weekend like cycling, hiking, seeing an indie band at a tiny little club you never heard of, camping, a road trip, a new Mexican restaurant, an author reading, or the annual picnic at the dog park.
Why you shouldn't care: You probably got a lot of DIY stuff done with your husband.

11.) In all the pictures on her desk, she is with a really hot looking girl.
Why you shouldn't care: You had your girl/girl make out sessions in college ….and you know how good they were.

12.) She knows more about March Madness than your husband/boyfriend.
Why you shouldn't care: They can watch the games together while you go shoe shopping.

13.) She can actually change a flat tire herself.
Why you shouldn't care: You can call your husband/boyfriend.


14.) She drinks whiskey or beer like a champ, she actually went to a Hemp Festival, she drives a really cool sporty Jeep, she back-packed through Europe in her twenties, she writes poetry once in a while, she's an amazing Aunt to her nieces & nephews, she puts a cute little bandana on her dog for fun every weekend, she knows every good sushi restaurant in the area.
Why you shouldn't care: She is the girl you thought you'd be at this stage of your life, minus the downtown "taco eating" action, and you can live vicariously through her. She won't care.