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I suppose that's exactly the idea of Facebook. Some find it's necessary to let the world know that they are currently "In a relationship" or that they're in a situation that's such a hot mess, it's classified as "It's Complicated". Some love to be sure everyone knows exactly what music they're listening to at all times. Some people feel the need to update their status in conjunction with the day of the week- none more annoying than the "TGIF" celebration that happens EVERY single Friday. Some people use it for shameless, unrelenting, merciless, self promotion like for their businesses, gay indie film, kickstarter projects, short stories, self published novels, internet award nomination or event. Promoters have gone insane with event invitations sending 3 months worth of ladies' nights, dance parties, and drag shows in a matter of days. I get that. I do. I'm guilty of all of it at times. And then...there are the Facebook game players. The Farmville, Cafe World, Gardens of Time, FrontierVille fuckers that send you invites to play with them and help them complete their nerdy, time wasting, worthless challenges. But, my Facebook friends have now taught me how to block those apps, so all in all, I do "like" Facebook, since I've learned how to tweak, shave, and wittle my newsfeed. "Newsfeed". That alone is funny. Let's face it..it's not REALLY news that your second cousin is getting her car washed or that your high school validictorian is listening to Boston's "More Than A Feeling". Is it?
Now I have made my Facebook something that isn't nearly as bad as it was before I absolutely WORSHIPPED the "My Settings" options. My blood pressure is back to normal and I don't hate people nearly as much as I used to. Look, it's clear that once your mother and her friends are friending you on Facebook, something about the concept of cool has changed severely. It becomes one part Ancestry.com and one part Family PhotoBucket. Don't get me wrong. I'm okay with it. It's great to have the opportunity, especially one that fits into our fat-ass-online-all-day lives, to stay in touch. So, yes, I keep it in my "favorite places" and have a look daily, but I needed something more. What were all the cool kids doing? I may be over 40, but my internet life is the average age of about 27. There had to be something else.
Then I started with Twitter. For some reason, Twitter is just plain and simple fun. Well...now it is. It wasn't at all when I first tried to get the hang of it. I had a Twitter app on my phone for nearly 2 years before I ever actually "tweeted" a thing. I would go on, and just read tweets. I'd sip my morning coffee, open the app and just read. At first- It was like deciphering military code. No, really. I would actually sit there and wonder what the hell any of it meant. It wasn't easy. In fact, I would equate it with learning a new language. There were links, twitpics, twitlonger, the @'s, the #FF's, the RT's, the "Twitter Suggests You Follow", the "promoted" tweets, and the DM's. Dear God, I felt like I needed an adult education night class to learn it. I followed tons of celebrities, like reality idiot Kim Kardashian, A-lister Alec Baldwin, Chelsea Handler, Bravo Andy & his parade of stupid Housewives, "Namaste & Save the sex slaves" Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher, Kathy Griffin, Chely Wright, Rosie, Ellen, all the lesbian community B list goddesses Cathy DeBuono, Jill Benett, Suzanne Westenhoefer, the LGBT "in the know" gossip sites AfterEllen, Shewired, and some of the more serious news media outlets like Pink News, The Advocate, Out Magazine and Oh, of course TMZ.
After year two of JUST reading the absolutely retarded, useless, empty thoughts of Kim Kardashian, the ridiculously dorky Real Housewife Ramona Singer, the thin-obsessed, money grubber Bethenny Frankel, the bitter, senseless war over nothing between Danielle Staub & Jacqueline Laurita & Dina Manzo, the constant "Look at Me" tweets of Teresa Guidice, the "I just jumped the shark" painful tweets of Dane Cook and Jerry Seinfeld, and the political self absorbed bossypants Alec Baldwin, I decided to start tweeting. Not ..to them...but I figured, it looks like anyone can just say whatever they want here on Twitter, so...why not me? If these morons can keep their follower's attention with the absurd shit they tweet- I'll give it a go. Unlike Facebook, though, none of these turdy celebrities had me wound up, bored, or pissed off. It was just pure info & insight here...some made me snort a chuckle, some went in & out so fast it was deemed "whatever", and some was useful. But, it was the ease in which I could simply "unfollow" if I got fed up, and then just "follow" if I found myself over it and willing to try again. Complete control. I waited for no one to accept anything. It was that simple.
I already had about 200 followers or so from having the internet radio show, and knew most of them. I started off pretty nice. Mostly just pushing the show, or wondering things out loud like "Would it really be that bad to sprinkle a frosted chocolate cake with bacon bits?" Slowly, my following was starting to build. Not by leaps and bounds, mind you. I kept wondering how people, famous or not, got hundreds and thousands of followers.
The early Bethenny Frankel, pre-Forbes list, pre-Skinny Girl, pre best-selling Skinny books, baby or over exposed business woman was actually pretty funny at first, so I tweeted something to her, and she actually replied. I remember thinking- "Oh my God, Bethenny just tweeted me back." I read it 12 times. I think I even told like 9 people at work that day, I was so excited. Bethenny then followed me, which caused about 8 other people to follow me. Heyyyy....I think I'm starting to understand this Twitter stuff! If I get a celebrity to reply to me, all their followers see it and they think, "Hey, she likes so-and-so, too! I'll follow her!" So..the quest began to get celebrities to retweet or reply to me- it was the "coveted RT" I was looking for- a celebrity RT. I knew it wasn't going to be easy with the name @LesbianLounge -it was going to be an uphill battle. The straight stars would be homo-nervous, but I was sure I could get Rosie, Jane Lynch, Kathy Griffin, Ellen, Chely Wright or friggin' PiNK to retweet a funny RT to them or something. Yeah- three years later- none of them have ever retweeted me. Even for a good cause. When I'd get behind something, like a charity or a fundraiser- NOTHING. (wait, wait...Kathy Najimy did retweet an important tweet for me, once!)
Doesn't matter to me anymore, though, because I've found an entirely NEW pack of trendy people, with hundreds of thousands of followers, and who will "RT" and "favorite" my RT, that I never even knew existed: the normally anonymous comedy writers of Hollywood. These are the jackholes who write the jokes and scripts for Charlie Sheen, the Modern Family cast, The Middle, Saturday Night Live, Chelsea Handler & Howard Stern (to name a few) and they are ....the Rock Stars of Twitter. They don't get all cheap with a retweet, they don't think acknowledging something is funny will take anything away from them, they KNOW the feeling of a "favorited" tweet. And the give them, selflessly.
This frustrated, tight-knit, little circle of snarks have found a home on Twitter where they are as celebrated as the stars they write for, and with good cause. I have re-mastered and re-mixed my "Following List" to include such internet asswipes as Eli Braden, Rob Delaney, Dan Maurio, Gary Janetti, Paula Pell, Danny Zucker, Elliot Kalan, Alec Sulkin, Joe Mande and Scott Jacobson. The level of filth, wit, and hilarity that spews from these people have brightened my day so much more than a retweet of Deepak Chopra from Sting. They warmed my heart like a HOT. NOW. Krispy Kreme donut. It was true, it was like I found my Twitter family. Then, I discovered even more!
I found the tart & tasty SourPatch of comedy- the flea infested, shitbag hotel-dwelling ladies of stand up comedy, the bored housewives, and the passed over, out of work actresses who get cool gigs blogging for super-cool pop culture-with a twist-men's media sites. That's right- these are the Queens of Twitter (who, by the way- are all friends with the Rock Stars of Twitter, from the above paragraph) We're talking someday LEGENDS of the Twittersphere: Jenny Johnson, Jenny Mollen, Mary Charlene, The Queen_UK, Amy Schumer, Jackie Monahan, Shawn Pelofsky, Kelly Oxford and LisaFarted. These are the type of people that tweet-lob fireballs of steamin' shit right into Kim Kardashian, Chris Brown, and Rick Santorum's faces. These are the ones telling exactly how it is to over 150,000 followers- well over a million if you took combined totals.
Everything from...
Advice: "When a woman wears her jacket tied around her waist, you can be sure she had her period through her pants."
Tasteless, golden nuggets that even make men cringe: "Just dropped a butt bomb in the trunk of a Ford Taurus."
Perfect husband & wife dialog: "The computer has done to my penmanship what marriage has done to my blowjobmanship."
Truths between women friends: "I don't get it. What part of 'your baby has blow job lips' sounds like an insult?"
Learning to take no shit: "If one of my jokes disappoints you, please @ reply me your address so I can send you an apology note & also a jar of my farts."
and the almighty...
Celebrity Slam: "I bet it's because everyone has seen you have sex on camera. RT
Do you see what I see?! Dark, right? Dare I say the "black" comedy is back and right there on Twitter. Mmm hmm. I know. The sarcasm that drips off Twitter is like nectar from the Gods. By the way, you're WELCOME! No one on Facebook would tell you about this, trust me. It's changed my life.
I've now been on Twitter for a solid 3 years, tweeting for just ONE year. I have over 1,400 followers now, and I have days where I, too, will lob a Twitter-shit at a celebrity if I feel like it. I have days when I give Cat Updates. I do my share of retweeting for causes, friends, things I agree with or something that tickles me, I have days where I post the crankiest things that 140 characters will allow, I do the #FF Friday thing, and yes, I star my Favorites. I feel way more comfortable with myself on Twitter, and with my merry band muff divers, wankers, oddballs, fuggs, smartasses and sarcastic fuckfaces, because I'm NOT friends with half of them, and the amount of wit I find in ONE 140 character tweet is more than I could wish for from any of the other social networking sites.
Also, I decided that although a celebrity reply or a retweet is sweet indeed, the Real Holy Grail is an RT from that splendid, savory, circle of snark shooters- The Rock Stars and The Queens of Twitter, who work hard for their following, who don't walk onto a soundstage, having had a team of people do hair & make up and writers scripting the funny crap they say to get people to like them. These ARE the actual people who write the funny crap, and in my opinion, save the best stuff for themselves to share. On Twitter.
So, if you don't know their Twitter names- here are most of them (and then some!), the rest you can find thru me @LesbianLounge
These. Are. My. People. (and I'm not shamed to say it.)
@JennyJohnsonHi5
@IamEnidColeslaw
@Jennyandteets
@DrunkSocialite
@LisaFarted
@TheQueen_UK
@PerlaPell
@jackiemonahan
@amyschumer
@EliBraden
@robdelaney
@DineOhMight
@sarahcolonna
@Gaysayer
@AngryBobbyFlay
@JihadPizza
@kellyoxford
Great article Denise! I wholly approve of this Twitter list, and not just cuz I'm on it. If you're a Twitter virgin, these are the accounts to start with.
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