Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Let me save you some time....


I've been interviewed a lot in the past 7 years. Sometimes it's for a print article in a magazine, sometimes it's on a radio show, other times it's at a festival or an event. I also DO a lot of interviews. So, questions are a big part of my life. When I have to interview a celebrity or even someone mildly famous, whether it's for my own show, or for one of the magazines I write for, I understand that it's usually for a reason- that person has a new film, short film, animated film, documentary, album, book, television show, web series, concert, speaking engagement, clothing line, or vodka. I understand that my questions should give that person the opportunity to talk endlessly about their new project- which is perfectly fine with me. But I always try to ask some questions that I think people would want to know...just in general. You know, like, "Have you ever wanted to punch your brother in the face?" or "Are you worried about looking stupid?" A few different things can happen, though. It's either going to get a laugh and an fairly honest answer or a laugh and a blow off because it doesn't pertain to the new film, short film, animated film, documentary, album, book, television show, web series, concert, speaking engagement, clothing line, or vodka OR a P.R. person is going to cut into your conversation and say "Ok, I think we're done here."

On the other hand, when I've been interviewed, it seems I get asked a lot about the internet radio show, of course. I get asked how long Donna & I have been doing it, who we've had on the show, what do we like best about it, have we ever been star struck, who would we like to have on, and so on. Very good questions indeed. For the record, I would never let my P.R. person interrupt.

So, for every talk show host, writer, reporter, journalist, interviewer, or editor that may one day interview me, I thought I'd save you some time and answer some of the things you may ask. You're friggin' welcome.

I got the chance to sit down with Denise Warner, from "The Lesbian Lounge with Denise & Donna" on   - The hugely popular weekly internet talk radio show airs live Wednesday nights at 7pm EST and then gets sent to iTunes for downloading later. It showcases all kinds of lesbian pop culture- from news on what's hot, to the latest web series, books, films, businesses to events in both the UK and the US. Denise & Donna have had guests such as Jane Lynch, Sharon Gless, Ilene Chaiken,  Taylor Dayne, Leslie Bibb, Jill Bennett, Cathy DeBuono, Kate McKinnon, and Fortune Feimster.  The show gets over 1500 downloads per week, and has reached the 5 million mark in it's 7th year.        

INTERVIEWER: How can anyone do anything for 7 years, let alone a PODCAST?

ME, DENISE: It's the closest thing to nothing yet can still be considered 'work'.

INTERVIEWER: So, you & Donna are in different countries but do the weekly show together. How does that work?

ME, DENISE: With a phone line and a good calling plan.

INTERVIEWER: You've had some major celebrities on your show, how do you score these people?

ME, DENISE: Yeah, go big or go home. No, seriously, we offer them cocaine & pussy.

INTERVIEWER: For six years, you & Donna did the show side by side in a studio every week. Were you nervous about moving to London and still having the same success?

ME, DENISE: Of course, but like most friendships, we were sick of seeing each other's faces week after week, so this is good. We're closer now. I think the show reflects that.

INTERVIEWER: What's the biggest misconception listeners may have about you?

ME, DENISE:  Probably ...that I sound tall.

INTERVIEWER: What do you get asked the most in interviews?

ME, DENISE: Usually, people want to know what scent my shower gel is.


ME, DENISE: Currently, my favourite is Orange & Cinnamon.

INTERVIEWER: What's the most important thing people should know about your show?

ME, DENISE: That it's free.

INTERVIEWER: Do you ever get star struck when you're interviewing a guest?

ME, DENISE: Are you asking because you're experiencing that very thing right now?


ME, DENISE: It's okay. It happens. I did almost crap myself when I interviewed Melissa Etheridge.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, really?

ME, DENISE: Yeah, it was exciting and weird at the same time. I mean, I like her, but the truth is, I don't own a lot of her music and I've never been to one of her concerts, so it was like interviewing God, but knowing I hadn't been to church in 15 years.

INTERVIEWER: Who's been your favourite celebrity to interview?

ME, DENISE: Oh, that's like asking which cat is my favourite. I love them all.

INTERVIEWER: What's your favourite snack?

ME, DENISE. Again, we're back to the cat thing.

INTERVIEWER: How would you describe your style?

ME, DENISE: "Missing."

INTERVIEWER: What's the best part of your job, as an internet talk show host?

ME, DENISE: The anonymity. Until now. This is huge, right? What is this, Rolling Stone? Maxim?

INTERVIEWER: Do you feel like your persona changed when you got married, because you used to be quite the "skirt chaser" at one time, didn't you?

ME, DENISE: I don't know if my persona changed all that much, Now, I just make my lecherous, pervy comments with regards to my wife and only my wife. So...I'm still a pig. But, just for her.

INTERVIEWER: How do you feel you & Donna have changed over the years?

ME, DENISE: Well, I guess, like most people over 40, we talk about our shits more.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have a man-crush on any guys?

ME, DENISE: Yes, Graham Norton.

INTERVIEWER: How about the quintessential straight girl crush?

ME, DENISE: Mila Kunis.

INTERVIEWER: Who is your favourite celesbian?

ME, DENISE: Any lesbian that never uses the term "celesbian".

INTERVIEWER: How do you like to spend your free time, when you're not working?

ME, DENISE: Doing interviews like this.

INTERVIEWER: In today's world, eco-friendliness is next to godliness, so do you have any earth-saving tips?

ME, DENISE: Save a tree, eat a beaver.

INTERVIEWER: What advice do you have for the next young, lesbian internet sensation?

ME, INTERVIEWER: Suck up to your family, because you'll probably need to borrow money from them some day.

INTERVIEWER: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

ME, DENISE: I wouldn't be a snorer.

INTERVIEWER: You have given out a ton of drink recipes over the years on the show. What's your favourite?

ME, DENISE: Garden hose water.

INTERVIEWER: What kind of goals do you have for the show?

ME, DENISE: I'd be happy kicking it around for another 7 years. Then that's it. 14 years is long enough to bask in mediocrity.

INTERVIEWER: Is there anything you want your fans to know about you that they may not know already?

ME, DENISE: Well, I just told you that I snore, so my secret is out.

INTERVIEWER: Finish this sentence: "My hidden talent is_____"

ME, DENISE: My hidden talent is being able to vomit on cue.

INTERVIEWER: Who were your idols growing up?

ME, DENISE: I had a few... Sharon Gless, Judy Blume, my Mom and which ever cousin got their driver's license before me.

INTERVIEWER: If you could be anything else, what it be?

ME, DENISE: Thinner.

INTERVIEWER: Biggest failure?

ME, DENISE: Quitting tap dance lessons when I was 5.

INTERVIEWER: What do you consider your biggest success?

ME, DENISE: I made a wicked good chili the other day.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any embarrassing moments you can think of...

ME, DENISE:  I once puked in the cat's litter box when I was scooping it--

INTERVIEWER: ....regarding fan encounters?


INTERVIEWER: What is your biggest fear?

ME, DENISE: My biggest fear is that my fear will hold me back from experiencing something great. That ..and stepping on a worm.

INTERVIEWER: What annoys you on a regular basis?

ME, DENISE:  Crumbs on the kitchen counter. And the constant unrest in the Middle East. Ugh.

INTERVIEWER: People say your 40's are the best time of your you agree?

ME, DENISE: When I sneeze, I pee my pants, I complain more than I did 10 years ago, my eggs have dried up, I'm coasting towards menopause and I have lost all sorts of patience over the years, so, yeah, my 40's are THE BEST.

INTERVIEWER: What did you want to be when you grew up?

ME, DENISE:  Tina Fey.

INTERVIEWER: How would you explain your coming out?

ME, DENISE:  Anti-climactic. My shoes gave it away.

INTERVIEWER: Who makes you laugh?

ME, DENISE: My wife. Of course, Donna does, too. My mother.  I don't know, I find humour in every day life, it's all funny to me, I guess.

INTERVIEWER: So what's made you laugh today?

P.R. PERSON: Ok, I think we're done here!

ME, DENISE:  I dutch-ovened my P.R. person in the car on the way here.