A Sea of Green - L Fest 2013

By now you've all heard Donna and myself on our internet radio show/podcast talking at length about "L Fest"- the amazing camping festival that goes on every July for the last 3 years, where almost 2,000 women gather in northern England for a weekend of comedy, arts, and music. We've discussed almost every band that would be playing on both stages, every event thats offered from day spas, to writing workshops, author readings, performances, lesbian movies at the cinemas, sports, activities, kid's zones, doggy daycare, the food vendors and the shopping stalls. We've gone on about the exceptional "L Crew" who are everywhere you look, for whatever you need, we've pointed out the official L Fest gear merchant: Pretty Pink Pearl, who do on the spot printing if you can't find what you like on the racks & racks of L Fest shirts, hats & hoodies. We've hailed Cindy Edwards, the festival creator, director and promoter as the most organised, innovative, all-inclusive, forward thinker we've ever worked with- and this year, ladies- bigger, new venue, more festival go'ers, more bands, more space- and it did NOT disappoint!

                                           photo credits: Zebi Risidi Photography

                                                  photo credit: Sarita Ramirez

We were traveling to Uttoxeter Racecourse, Staffordshire as a party of seven. Yes, you heard me, SEVEN. The group consisted of Donna, my co host from Florida and her girlfriend Deb, our intern for the radio show, Sara from New Jersey, our foxy friend Jill Bennett, an actress/producer/writer from Los Angeles, my housemate Hazel, who made most of this trip possible by renting and driving the 9 passenger Vauxhall van, my level-headed wife Jemma, and me, Denise, the Pringle eater. 

First off, I should say the weather was UNSEASONABLY hot, with not even a breeze for the week leading up to L Fest. This seemed to excite the UK lesbians, the thin girls, and the ones who managed to have air conditioning in their cars or campers. For us, unfortunately, the rental company falsely advertised the van as having a/c, but alas- as we headed towards Heathrow Airport to pick up Jill, we discovered it did NOT have a/c.  We were prepared for the rooms we were staying at to be exceptionally warm, because thankfully, our buddies Lucy & Mandy Burton, the music directors at L Fest, and band members of one of our favourite performing bands, Eeek,  phoned us up the night before and said "Pack fans because the hotel doesn't have air conditioning!"  We were NOT prepared for the van to be a hot box on wheels. As we stuffed our fat asses in, with all our merchandise, banners, bags, coolers, Costco food stock, FANS, and electronics, we headed down the motorway with the windows open (at least the two front ones, which were all that WOULD open) and like dogs, put our faces towards the air, and made our way to scoop Jill. Singing songs, telling stories LOUDLY over the rush of the wind blowing us to hell, we laughed and bopped away until we hit traffic where we roasted mercilessly in the sun, or as I call it "open flame"- like chestnuts at Christmas, at a standstill for nearly 40 minutes, as the energy drained from us. 

The sentiment seemed to be that no matter what the temperatures were rising to in the van or even outside, we were heading to L Fest, and nothing was going to bring us down. After gathering our precious cargo, Jill Bennett, who had a screening of her new web series "Second Shot" at the L Cinema on Saturday morning along with a Q & A, we were on our way! Heat be damned, we're armed with fans! (and thankfully, it got cooler over the coming days!) 

With only one pee break at the Services, we made pretty good time on our three hour journey, rambling through the tight village streets off the motorway and finally rolled up on the Uttoxeter Racecourse, where we were greeted with massive rainbow flags swaying, L Fest banners, and tents as far as your eyes could see. 

I can't explain the buzz you get when you're at the entrance way, collecting your wrist bands, getting your program, flipping through it, looking at the schedule of events happening for the next 2 days- the smiling faces, waving at you as you make your way through the park- it's electrifying to say the least.

I love seeing Cindy's Mom, Gil at the gate, always ready with a big hug! The Crew in place, all ready for us, signaling Lucy Burton that we've arrived. It's like you're bursting at the seams to see everyone! 

Cindy, the very busy director and her L Crew are scattered throughout the park with radios, and ear pieces, and somehow, every year, as we make our way to the head quarters office, just to yell "We're HERE!" - Cindy makes a grand appearance to welcome us and give us a bit of a tour. This year, with an all new venue, we were anxious to see the park and what was where. From the HQ, she took us out on the balcony which overlooked it all, and pointed out where the campers were, the family campers, the solo's, where the cinemas (TWO) were, where the Main Stage was, where the L Fest Presents stage was, where the workshops were, where the food vendors were (fish finger sandwiches!), where the shopping stalls were, the t-shirt shop was, the bumper cars, the sports area, the Solo's bar, the fire pit, and Fan tent. It was quite a sight to take in- flags waving, girls everywhere, chicks on bicycles, with their puppies & dogs, families, kids on push scooters, happy faces rolling by in a wheelchair or two, rocker babes with guitars, girls on rollerblades, whizzing by, Strongbow's in hand. It's an incredible sight - looking over the whole park- and just taking it all in. 

It makes you process why it takes a year of planning, and promotion, the precision of organising something for everyone, making sure everything you could possibly want, need, and do is all right here with new friends, old friends, strangers soon to be come buddies, possible hook-ups (of course!), couples who plan holidays around this, fans who come to see their favourite bands & singers, friends who travel in from Scotland, Holland, Germany, America, just to name a few places- who mix, mingle, drink, dance, sing, and make lifelong connections. It's a weekend that becomes a part of you, that gets in your blood, creates memories in your heart & mind  and that stays with you. 

It's such a blast to see old friends, like Jan Walker ("Jan's Coming Out"), Georgey Payne from "GreyMatter" giving us a hi-five, Teresa & Helen taking a minute from the t-shirt printing to say hello, Sally Edwards rollin' on by with a shout & a hoot, the Drag Kings with a wink, those crazy chicks from HeadsHearts wrapping themselves all over us, seeing Cookie Meister's new hair do, Faye Bagely & her juice, VG Lee & Micra Mary making their way to the workshops, seeing the adorable girls from "Promise"- budding musicians, totally psyched to play their first REAL gig to a full house, Clare Templeton & Jacqueline Orr from France, supplying us with chilled wine, the Rasta guy at the cell charger tent with the bang up shades, the girls from Kinky Monkey, and Focx -and oh my God- the DONUT MAN and his donut truck! The dude actually gave me a sack of donuts for the ride home on Sunday evening! 

I've been hosting, emceeing (or compering, as they call it over here)- whatever you want to call it- on the Main Music Stage since the first year. I did it on my own for the first 2 years, and this year, my co host Donna from our internet talk radio show "The Lesbian Lounge" on MyLesbianRadio.com flew in for the event, so it was a bit of a reunion, of sorts. In Florida, before I moved to England, we hosted  tons of events from Girls At Gay Days in Orlando, to WomenFest in Key West, to Pride Festivals all over the State of Florida- but it's been more than 2 years since we've been together on stage, live and in person at a major event, so needless to say, this was special. It was emotional. It was something that I had only described to Donna on the phone before and hope she would understand the magnitude of it. Now, she was here to see it with her own eyes- a year of planning, basically. I think I convinced her while at L Fest 2012- when I had headliner, musician, Horse personally Skype her and then video'd The L Project singing "It Does Get Better" with 1,000 lesbians singing along to every word. These are what I call "L Fest Moments"- and you have to see them & feel them in person because video & pictures are brilliant, but being in the midst of it is an indescribable experience. The sense of camaraderie, sisterhood, family, belonging, acceptance is almost spiritual in a non-religious or spiritual way. See? Indescribable! I can safely speak for her when I say she was in absolute awe of the event and being there in person this year. The welcome she received by everyone was more than we could have envisioned and she had moments where she welled up with tears (as did we all....Lucy Burton) just randomly and would say, "It's even MORE amazing than you could describe!"

The work of an emcee is basically to keep the crowd interested enough not to leave the stage before the next band comes on. So, Donna and I do some witty banter, we remind everyone of the vendors, and the schedule, and we interact with the audience and keep them engaged, laughing, happy and interested in give-aways like magnets, pens, and t-shirts while the stage managers are helping the next band or performer set up. Sounds easy enough, but it always starts off slow, and after people have had a few drinks, they loosen up a bit and play along. I'll admit, it was MUCH easier this year, having my bud up there on stage with me rather than ramble endlessly by myself. We had our wives, our intern, Sara, and our buddies from Planet London helping us with games, like "The Muffin Munch" and "Confessions". The stellar crowd joined in- faces I remembered from the past 2 years and some new, willing, brave participants ready to join in. I noticed this year, maybe just from our constant presence on the internet air waves & podcasts, or from the past 2 years hosting, that this time women were way more comfortable seeking us out in between sets, on our way for a bite, or while we were waiting to go onstage. So many ladies approached us and thanked us for making them laugh throughout the day, some even asked for autographs, and pictures, and commented on how funny we were. Even dashing off to a pee break, we would get stopped for high-fives, shout outs, smacks on the back and tons of praise for what we do. It was so appreciated, and so humbling, I can't even put into words. We're having as much fun entertaining the attendees, as they are watching & listening to us, that we sometimes forget that its work! 

We are fortunate enough to work with some amazing people, like Lucy & Mandy Burton, who along with performing with their band "Eeek", also put together a carefully selected line up of music for the weekend, and work with getting the local faves & international bands & artists there at the festival, like "Betty", "HeadsHearts" "Red 'n' Pink"and Rachael Sage, while introducing us to up & coming new sensations like the talented teens "Promise" and Cat Chinn.  They put together a stage crew that works tirelessly with the sound engineers, the roadies, and with silly ol' us to make sure things go smoothly all day at the Main Stage and later at the smaller L Fest Presents stage. They coordinate all the women lending their voices for a performance of "It Does Get Better" by the L Project and all the guests who join in-which always touches the crowd and creates a major "L Fest Moment".  This year, I was touched by something new- the VIP School Bus- with it's neon lights, flat screen TV's, AIR CON, endless Pimm's & champagne, and ...perhaps the heart felt speech Lucy made in honour of Cindy, her family and the L Crew. 

Women like Sal and Sue, of SpringOut Arts & Film Organisation find the best in lesbian film & content for the cinemas, and get writers, directors and actors to the event to meet fans and do readings, Q & A's, screenings, and all the groups like Planet-London.com and Diva Destinations who ran the Solo's events, the "Grease" Party, Hazel O' Keefe, and the funny girls of "Laughing Cows" Comedy, bring you the best in stand-up comedy, the opening ceremony dance, the closing party tears-  honestly- everyone involved in every aspect of the weekend do their job and give their all to make L Fest unforgettable year after year. 

We'll have videos and tons more pictures to share as the days go by and we all unpack, do laundry, get back into our daily routines, accept new friend requests, follow the hashtag #Lfest, answer emails, read blogs & posts and get tagged relentlessly! It's a great way to keep the momentum going! It'll hold us over until the 2014 pop up parties start, L-Festive gets underway, and we barrel towards the next L Fest!

The entire crowd helped me surprise my cousin Gina & her new wife Amber, up in NY on her wedding day, Saturday, with a great, big Facebook favour! This was an awesome L Fest Moment! 

We even raised money for Cindy's big bike ride from Guilford to Paris in September to help an orphanage in Peru by making Cindy strip down to her latex bike gear and riding around the crowd as they filled her bucket with coins & notes!

I mean, seriously- yes, there is the Dinah, and I've never been and have no desire to go, but for the life of me, I can't imagine moments like this happening because everyone there is clamouring to see Dani Campbell down a tequila shot off some loser from "The Real L Word"'s flat tan stomach at the congested, oily, pool party. No thanks. I'll take L Fest any day over that scene.

What Cindy Edwards & her crew have created is an annual event festival worthy of your holiday, worthy of your friends flying in from another country, worthy of international appeal, worthy of headlining bands, worthy of the awards it's been given and each year, as it grows and goes to the next level, the word of L Fest reaches farther & farther and the moments get bigger, and deeper. You'll laugh, you'll party, you may even shed some tears driving away when it's all over, but you'll also have some memories, some new Facebook & Twitter friends, and you'll be looking forward to the next L Fest. So, start planning for next July because 2014 will be here before you know it, and you'll kick yourself in the ass if you miss it.  See you there!

You Know it's a PMS Week When....

When every day "life moments" become grossly distorted, it's a PMS week for me. Only I don't notice it until I look back on them 5-7 days later. Maybe I should start a diary or a journal about them, but I have a feeling it would be a horribly embarrassing media circus if it ever got in the wrong hands. Ok, I digress. Let's look at the facts:


All month long, I normally just sigh over things that happen and they roll off my back without another thought.

Like, on a regular day, if my lighter falls out of my pocket every 5 minutes because of the crappy pockets on my Slazenger hoodie, it's no big deal. BUT-- during PMS week, I've thought about writing a "strongly worded" letter to the Slazenger Sportswear company describing a particularly embarrassing time a tampon fell out of their stupid pockets of my Slazenger sweatshirt during a business meeting and how they should get their shit together and quit ruining my life.

It's the actual scope of the difference in a regular day and a PMS day that astounds me when I'm playing "Hindsight is 20/20".

If I bang my elbow on the doorknob during a regular day, I say, "Ow," rub it, sigh and carry on with the day. On a PMS day, if I bang my elbow on the doorknob, I feel like slamming the door closed 3 times to "get back at it."

On regular day, if I burn my store-bought oven pizza, I just eat it anyway and hope the charred smell doesn't linger in the house. On a PMS day, if I burn my store-bought oven pizza, I envision myself cramming it into the garbage bin, swearing at it, then mashing it down as far as I can with a wooden spoon to be sure it's learned it lesson, all the while thinking, "I'll just have fish sticks! There! How do you like that, Pizza Fuck?!"

On a regular day, when I see the little old lady across the street putting out her rattling recycle bin, I smile to myself and think "she's feisty old coot". On a PMS day, when I see the little old lady across the street putting out her rattling recycle bin, I wonder how much longer before she kicks the bucket and that house goes up for sale.

If it's just a regular day and I can't get two frozen chicken breasts apart for dinner later, I'll fill the sink with water, drop them in and patiently wait for them to thaw. On a PMS day, if I can't get two frozen chicken apart, I can see myself stomping off to get a hammer and an ice pick and pounding the shit out of them until they fly in separate directions across the kitchen.

On a regular day, if type a super long text message and my phone says "Sending....." for the last 2 minutes, I just set it down and go about my business until it's sent. On a PMS day, if I type a super long text, and my phone says, "Sending..." for 2 minutes, I want to spin in a circle 3 times and launch the friggin' phone like a Olympic discus thrower.

On a regular day, if I notice my mail is piling up and I don't feel like dealing with it, I just stack it neatly and set it aside until I'm ready to read & sift through it. On a PMS day, if I notice my mail is piling up and I don't feel like dealing with it, I contemplate picking up the pile, throwing it on the barbeque grill and setting it on fire.

Sometimes, it's just a quick fleeting malicious thought, like when I see the neighbor's outdoor cat. On a regular day, I think "Hi, Sam!" and on a PMS day, when I see the neighbor's cat, I think "Hi, fox bait."

On a regular day, when I can't get past a certain level on my Grand Theft Auto game, I sigh and set my iPad down and do something else. On a PMS day, when I can't get past a certain level on my Grand Theft Auto game, I wonder how hard would it be to crack the fucking iPad in half with my bare hands.

On a regular day, when I see that I've been invited to 36 different events on Facebook, 30 of them from people, groups, bands and organizations I don't even know, I think, "Eh..whatever." On a PMS day, when I get 36 different invites to events, I feel like responding to each one and saying "Trust me, you DON'T want me there."

On a regular day, when I can't get the top off a jar of salsa, I calmly set it back down until I feel like attempting it again. On a PMS day, if I can't get the top off a jar of salsa, I'm tempted to launch it against the kitchen wall. Same thing with a walnut. If I can't get a walnut open on a regular day, its no big deal. On a PMS day, I can see myself putting it under the back tire of the car and running it over on the driveway, just to hear it crack, not even because I want to eat it anymore.

On a regular day, if the DVR doesn't record "Monkey World", I think to myself, "Oh well..." On a PMS day, if the DVR didn't record "Monkey World", I've thought about dropping the entire flat screen TV out the second story window.


On a regular day, when a grocery cashier is taking her sweet ass time scanning my items, and looking up prices for produce, I just smile politely and wait. On a PMS Day, I feel like clocking her pathetic speed on my "Timer" phone app, and shoving the results in her face and screaming "IS THIS ACCEPTABLE TO YOU, SALLY SLOWPOKE?"

Oh yeh, whatever, I'm sure it all sounds disturbing but the truth is I don't act on my PMS Day thoughts.
And, I'm although I'm pretty sure there's a perfectly good pill to fix this- quite frankly, I'm okay with it, Asshole. I love you. Get off my blog. No, I'm kidding......come back!

A Guide to Surviving Lesbian Events

It's no secret that lesbians are passionate about their events: WomenFest in Key West, Girls At Gay Days in Orlando, The Dinah Shore Weekend in Palm Springs, L-Fest in England, a Sweet Travel resort stay or cruise, Pride Festivals all over the map. Any excuse to pack a dufflebag, a mid-sized SUV or  a cooler. We plan our vacations by these annual events. When others at work are scrambling to get Christmas Eve off, we're marking huge red X's around March, September, June and July dates and offering to cover any shitty shifts to be sure we get the right days off. It's as natural as owning a cat, we don't think twice about it.

Being a big girl, being over 40,  and having been going to these types of events for the last 20 years- the preparation and mind set is a bit different from that of a 23 year old lesbian who has 3 string bikinis, 1 bottle of Coppertone, 2 pair of flip flops, a pair of cut off jean shorts & a tooth brush in knapsack thrown into their Toyota Rav-4 with "WomenFest or Bust" shoe-polished on their back window as they race down I-95 heading south.

Yes, it's all about having fun, so I've put together a Survival Guide of Tips for the older lesbians who want to have a good time, and not throw out their backs, sprain an ankle, or vomit in front of a crowd.

These are in no particular order, nor are they geared to any one single event- like a bag of Chex Mix, all of it is good anywhere you go.


PREPARATION:

Watch as many work-out & fitness programs or DVD's as you can, so you get used to what you're going to see, and you can get comfortable eating & drinking in front of hot women. You'll develop some key "smooth operator" moves, like dumping potato crumbs off your lap just by standing up, or getting Pringles out of the can without getting your hand stuck, digging Cheetos out of your back teeth when no one is looking and wiping Dorito dust off your lips, by pretending that chick is so hot, she made you drool.

Invest in "gallon-sized" zip lock bags for your necessary meds: zocor, metformin, lipitor, Aleves, Tylenol, xanax, valium, ambien, paxil, welbutrin, excema topical ointment, allergy pills, baby wipes, Gaviscon, Tums, and inhalers.

If you haven't hit menopause yet and you're all about getting laid, a period can severely hinder your plan, so ask your straight girl friends about using their birth control pills about a month before so you can REALLY schedule that nasty visit from Mother Nature before or after the event. But just to be on the safe side, throw a few tampons in your gallon-sized "med" baggie.

You may be eating some regional foods that could have an adverse effect on your stomach & bowels, so get your ass in gear by having thai, mexican, curry, Taco Bell and KFC at least two weeks before your trip. Man up. Shits about to get real up in your bathroom, but it's all worth it when you can actually trust a fart, and you're not the one crapping your pants at the White Party after tacquitos, jalapeno poppers and tequila shooters from the Welcome Party "Happy Hour Fiesta".

Be sure that your duffel bag is big enough for your XXL clothes. It's a common mistake, thinking that you'll only be bringing board shorts & t-shirts, but seriously, you & I both know, once you add in boxers, cargo shorts, hair gel & products, sneakers or Crocs, baseball hats, and SPF-50 sun screen lotion, your bag will be busting at the seams. So, like everything in life, ever: Go big or go home.

Be sure that your bag is on wheels. Parking lots are big, airports are big, a hotel lobby can be big, so conserve your energy for the parties-don't waste it looking like a douchey high school jock with your 2-ton bag on your shoulder. Your red cheeks and huffing & puffing will give away how out of shape you are anyhow.

Be sure and take a look at a map or take a virtual tour of the grounds/and or the hotel you'll be staying at because if you're like me, you'll want to know how many stairs and steps or what kind of maze you have to endure to get from your room to the pool and venues. This will prepare you for any bitching ahead of time. It's a crap-shoot, really. I like a nice ground floor room once in a while, so I'm not heaving bags or coolers up & down stairs, but then again, there is nothing like a nice balcony, so you can point & stare and chick-watch high above the oblivious sun bathers.

Repeat this mantra in your head the whole way there: "I will not marry anyone, I will not marry anyone..."

ONCE YOU'VE ARRIVED:

Set up shop in your room. If you're sharing with a friend or if you've got a room to yourself- this is your kingdom we're talking about, so a few pointers:

Get the side of the bed or the actual bed that is closest to bathroom.  (I don't think I need to list the fact that you get up to pee in the middle of the night more often at this age.)

Dominate the the important things immediately:
Towels & outlets. Get the big towels out of the bathroom first and put them on your bed and then plug in your cell phone ASAP. You've got ipads, possibly a laptop, and hair dryers or flat irons, that are going to need those plugs so establish your sockets early.

 (Pro Tip: if you can, get your thin, short-haired friend to share the room, that's a winner- because they'll likely hook up any how, and if they don't- no hair dryers needed, they'll use the smaller towels, and they probably don't snore.)

Go get the lay of the land:  do a lap around the grounds- see-who's there already, while you take in where are the ice machines, soda machines & vending machines are at around the premises. Make a mental note of the proximity to your room.


IT'S UNDERWAY!

There is a very good chance you're going to see, hear, stand next to, and even smell an actual CELESBIAN. Relax and breathe. "Celesbian" is just a term used to separate a lesbian who's been in an internet web series from one who has not been in an internet web series. Remember, a celesbian puts their cargo shorts on one leg at a time, just like you. The only difference is yours are a size 18.

Don't get intimidated by the celesbians or even the headlining stand-up comedian. You know why? You look like an idiot. So, refresh them by not acting like a star struck puppy and keep in mind, about midway through that long winded story you're telling them without taking a breath, about the very first time you saw them, they've tuned you out 6 sentences ago and you can't tell because they have on sunglasses that cost more than pure-bred dog.

Get your Welcome Bag- these usually contain 25 or 30 club night promo cards, new lezzie dating web site info, a program with all the sponsors, tons of organizations that you will not likely want to join, a guide to all the parties & events within this event that you'll pull your hair out trying to schedule. You will also find handy things, like possibly a packet of lube, a can coozie, a pen, and a keychain with a flashlight tip or a beach ball. Don't act like you don't love a freebie. Everyone can see through that.

DO NOT establish your room as the "party-suite", otherwise, you'll get stuck sharing any booze, weed and possibly your shower with a ton of strangers you'll hate the next day. There is always a group that has their door open, music pumping, booze everywhere, and girls laying all over the room. No problem there- poke your head in, say hello, maybe have a drink. Just be thankful it's not your room.

Pace yourself at those all you can eat buffets, especially on the cruises. You've got all day & night to pound those shrimp, hit the frozen yogurt machine and stand in line for freshly made waffles.

IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER:

Be realistic. You are not going to make it to every single contest, show, party or "night" in the program!

If you are on a cruise ship- your fat ass can't walk the length of that goddamn boat. Find a good bar halfway between the casino and a dance club that's also near a food place and you're all set. You'll see everything you need to see as chicks go by and you're still near the good stuff.

If you are at a festival, camp site, music event- almost the same rules apply: pick your spot near the main stage, within easy walking distance of bathrooms, food spots, and booze tents & vendors. Be sure you have a stadium, picnic, or sturdy fold-up seat. If your smart, your cooler will double as one.

If you are on a hotel compound, resort, etc- make friends with someone who rented a golf cart, scooter or electric buggy to get from spot to spot. Don't be afraid to ask hotel staff for rides.

Remember that the merchandise you buy at these events can run high. Yes, that adorable hoodie that will barely fit you costs $39 and the too-tight t-shirt is $25.  Best bet: go with the $18 hat.

The music acts that get booked are usually great, but be prepared to hear them singing on over modulated microphones with a crackling amp. Unless you are at a music driven outdoor festival where you can cop a squat anywhere, you may just find yourself in crowded half a ballroom at a hotel, or a tiny funky venue off the original compound, and you've probably paid way too much money for a ticket to hear a normally sexy sounding band play from a sound system that's worse than what your brother's high school band jammed with back in 87.

Chances are, if you've been to the wild pool party all afternoon, drank out in the hot sun all day, and you think you're going to make it to the Movie-Night with a Celesbian Q&A - you had better plan on sleeping through dinner and eating the gas station bags of crap you brought for your hotel room because your ass is going to be way tired.

You'll learn this by Day 2 and plan accordingly. By this time, you will start saying things like "Damn, I can't party like I used to," or  "Wow, I'm not 21 anymore," or  "It's so loud in here!" or just "Fuck, I'm so tired!"

Have snacks handy. The days are usually long and hot, and you'll be drinking a lot. It's good to have a few pretzels, some nuts, a canister of Pringles, a pack of Ring Dings, or something in your cooler.

Keep in mind, this is not a time to worry about calories, bloating, or whether you should have dessert.
Leave this kind of shit to the younger girls who still over-think every morsel they may consume.

You need to understand something: You probably saved up $500-$1000 for this trip- this is your party and you'll eat if you want to.

KEY FACTORS:

Time is of the essence. You usually only have a Friday through a Sunday at these things, so you don't want to waste time on anything that doesn't appeal to you. There is no right or wrong when you're on lesbian holiday or vacation. It's all about YOU, so don't get bogged down with your friends wanting you to play tug-o-war, or some chick telling you that you should sing at karaoke later- only do the things you want to do.

For me, there is nothing more boring and unappealing than listening to some lesbian in a hemp t-shirt fret over if theres gluten in the pizza crust, or how the last time they ate meat a vital organ shut down, or how they gave up cheese, dairy & sugar and now survive on organic lavender tea & green smoothies made from the scrapings off the under carriage of a lawn mower. The truth is, these au natural types usually stink, have hairlier legs than my Dad, and their zen bullshit will lull you to sleep faster than that second ambien. I always start off thinking, "Wow, what an amazing lifestyle they lead..." and about 2 hours later, I'm perfectly fine with the size of my carbon footprint, the preservatives in my bottle of ranch dressing, and the bacon wrapped around my hot dog. So, I steer clear and look for the people I know I'm going to have a few laughs & relax with.


So, with this being said, be sure to find the groups that your most comfortable with. 

Lesbians are cliquey fuckers.  Take a look around upon your arrival to the pool area on Day 1 and really scout. Take it all in.

The barefoot vegans will gravitate to other barefoot vegans. These are the ones that can sit comfortably indian-style on the end of a chaise lounge deck chair without it collapsing. You probably saw them doing yoga at sunrise as you peeked out from hotel window black-out shade when you got up to pee.

Truck Stop Hotties- The tatted, pierced, trucker-hat wearing, spray-tanned, Jaiger-Bomb drinking girls that are always grinding on each other, while holding a red solo cup will find their similar kind and grind accordingly which can either look really hot, or remind you that you're dying to try the babyback ribs later at dinner.

The Celesbians- will shroud themselves with "their people"- (note: these people are not you) it's their West Hollywood friends, the few women who may have invested a couple bucks to their last project, the actual event promoters and the recruited gophers (the ones who "go get the car", "go get us more drinks" "go get me a black sharpie")


The Couples- usually travel in a tight little packs of 4, or 6. They have the eco-friendly perfect sized pool bags that carry their wireless technology, properly insulated thermos of natural spring water, plenty of small to medium sized towels, sun screen and they love to chat about work, their kids and their investments, but mainly work. They rarely wander outside their group. Don't try infiltrating it.
(Side note: From year to year, keep in mind- sometimes these couples look different because like Legos, they're interchangeable. Some may have new partners, and some just merely have swapped partners. Don't stare.)

The Rocker chicks- are the ones that act like they're not at all uncomfortable in jeans while standing in the 90 degree sun, wearing a cowgirl hat, and a leather vest,  a belt buckle that says "RIDE 'EM HARD" and have on heavy, clunky black shoes that look like they could melt at any given moment.
Buy them a beer when you see one who has meandered away from their group, point them towards the smell of ripe leather. They'll find their way back. You'll see. It's heart warming.

Players- "Playas gon play!" - See the girl who's had her phone in her hand all day, head down, texting constantly? These are the girls that likely dumped the chick they were dating before the event, so they could attend it single and ready to mingle.  Think of them as "Twat Hunters" when the sun goes down, but don't forget- they spend the days texting the ex to line-up a reconn hook-up mission for when they get back to town.

The Balcony Girls -are the ones that you only see sitting on their balcony, usually with a massive rainbow flag or towel hanging on their railing, with freshly blow-dried feathered-mullets who just want to be near their hair products, with cold Coronas from their hotel mini fridge, their cigarettes, sunglasses, the A/C on, and their sliding glass door wide open all day & night. You won't see these girls on the grounds much. They like their perch. P.S. The more they drink, the more likely the possibility of them dropping a cigarette butt into your Mai Tai, but hey, it's a party.

The "Real" Lesbian Reality "Stars"- these are the girls that either get paid or invited with free accommodations for them & their entourage- including hotel, even airfare, for the simple task of wandering around, drinking and taking photos with you, the idiot who's made their egos what they are today. These are the people that have probably blown the promoter's budget so other,more worthy & deserving people couldn't be at the event. This group is big, loud, smells like sun tan oil, a Victoria Secret store and coke. They have have great asses & ta-tas to look at but in the end, it's a huge waste of time to be around them unless of course, you're filming for MTV or Showtime or an indie doc or something.

Be aware of the MOOCHER. This is the girl who wanders around with small backpack, a half a bottle of Southern Comfort, tanked out of her mind, no affiliation with any group, but is on the look out for a place to crash for the night. Avoid. Abort. Escape. It's not worth it. It's like finding a kitty, all fun & games until you've brought it home and it claws your eyes out & ruins the good sofa.


The Fun Group- The still-wearing-a-spikey hair cut-with-gel, in XXL tight tank tops with a XXXL tank top over it, floral-printed board shorts from the big & tall shop that cover them down to their cankels, FILA single-strap flip-flop wearin', beer gutted, sweaty, loud lesbian group with the best-stocked coolers will be the ones in the shadiest spot on the grounds, possibly even bringing their own pop-up umbrella that connects to the cooler on wheels.  These are the ones with the bright pink skin, the cheapest sunglasses, shouting requests for Melissa Etheridge to the hip-hop DJ, who ignores them all day. They only stick their sunburned feet in the pool. They'll share their Cheez-Its from home, they'll have a bottle opener if you need one, and at some point, in their cloak of drunken bravery, they'll hit on you. I will admit right now: this is best group right here. Welcoming, accepting, laughing, sweating, yet willing to share the shade. These are my people. The most non-threatening, easy to be around group. Trust that by the time you check out on Sunday afternoon, they will have "friended" you on Facebook, uploaded 196 photos already, tag you in all of them, and begin commenting on your every status update. Friends for life, man.

You are going to see all sizes, shapes, types, styles, lifestyles, and see some amazing things that you'll remember for the rest of your life, or.....maybe NOT. Perhaps you won't remember a thing after that last kamikaze shooter at the Tikki Bar with the blonde chick who could have had an Adam's apple.

People can make videos, write blogs, articles, and columns about the "Best Lesbian Vacations", but the fact is, you are going to be the one that decides what's best for you. So, experience whichever lesbian events interest you, throw away any plan, or expectation and dive in. These little tips are here to help you maximize your fun.

IN THE END:

You may or may not have gotten laid. You may or may not have met a potential girlfriend. You may or may not have gained a few pounds. You may or may not have left your favorite boxer shorts on the balcony of your room. You may or may not have maxxed out your credit card. You may or may not have learned something about observing the different cliques of lezzies in their vacation habitat. But, you will have smiled, laughed, and made a friend or two.


When you return the following year, even though you vowed not to because you blew your car payment on dollar bills for the Go-Go dancers, drinks for the sure-thing you chatted up all evening at the "80's Theme Party"who ended up vomiting on the way back to your room, and passed out on your side of the bed, yes- I said when you return the next year, that super-sweaty gang of sculpting-gel stereotypes with the best coolers ever will be yelling right to you when you appear on Day 1 by the pool, "HEYYYY!!!! LOOK WHO IT IS, HEYYYY, OVER HERE!! GRAB A BEER!"

And you will be happy to see them.

Let me save you some time....

                                                           

I've been interviewed a lot in the past 7 years. Sometimes it's for a print article in a magazine, sometimes it's on a radio show, other times it's at a festival or an event. I also DO a lot of interviews. So, questions are a big part of my life. When I have to interview a celebrity or even someone mildly famous, whether it's for my own show, or for one of the magazines I write for, I understand that it's usually for a reason- that person has a new film, short film, animated film, documentary, album, book, television show, web series, concert, speaking engagement, clothing line, or vodka. I understand that my questions should give that person the opportunity to talk endlessly about their new project- which is perfectly fine with me. But I always try to ask some questions that I think people would want to know...just in general. You know, like, "Have you ever wanted to punch your brother in the face?" or "Are you worried about looking stupid?" A few different things can happen, though. It's either going to get a laugh and an fairly honest answer or a laugh and a blow off because it doesn't pertain to the new film, short film, animated film, documentary, album, book, television show, web series, concert, speaking engagement, clothing line, or vodka OR a P.R. person is going to cut into your conversation and say "Ok, I think we're done here."

On the other hand, when I've been interviewed, it seems I get asked a lot about the internet radio show, of course. I get asked how long Donna & I have been doing it, who we've had on the show, what do we like best about it, have we ever been star struck, who would we like to have on, and so on. Very good questions indeed. For the record, I would never let my P.R. person interrupt.

So, for every talk show host, writer, reporter, journalist, interviewer, or editor that may one day interview me, I thought I'd save you some time and answer some of the things you may ask. You're friggin' welcome.

                                                           

                               
I got the chance to sit down with Denise Warner, from "The Lesbian Lounge with Denise & Donna" on MyLesbianRadio.com   - The hugely popular weekly internet talk radio show airs live Wednesday nights at 7pm EST and then gets sent to iTunes for downloading later. It showcases all kinds of lesbian pop culture- from news on what's hot, to the latest web series, books, films, businesses to events in both the UK and the US. Denise & Donna have had guests such as Jane Lynch, Sharon Gless, Ilene Chaiken,  Taylor Dayne, Leslie Bibb, Jill Bennett, Cathy DeBuono, Kate McKinnon, and Fortune Feimster.  The show gets over 1500 downloads per week, and has reached the 5 million mark in it's 7th year.        

INTERVIEWER: How can anyone do anything for 7 years, let alone a PODCAST?

ME, DENISE: It's the closest thing to nothing yet can still be considered 'work'.

INTERVIEWER: So, you & Donna are in different countries but do the weekly show together. How does that work?

ME, DENISE: With a phone line and a good calling plan.

INTERVIEWER: You've had some major celebrities on your show, how do you score these people?

ME, DENISE: Yeah, go big or go home. No, seriously, we offer them cocaine & pussy.

INTERVIEWER: For six years, you & Donna did the show side by side in a studio every week. Were you nervous about moving to London and still having the same success?

ME, DENISE: Of course, but like most friendships, we were sick of seeing each other's faces week after week, so this is good. We're closer now. I think the show reflects that.

INTERVIEWER: What's the biggest misconception listeners may have about you?

ME, DENISE:  Probably ...that I sound tall.

INTERVIEWER: What do you get asked the most in interviews?

ME, DENISE: Usually, people want to know what scent my shower gel is.

INTERVIEWER: And?

ME, DENISE: Currently, my favourite is Orange & Cinnamon.

INTERVIEWER: What's the most important thing people should know about your show?

ME, DENISE: That it's free.

INTERVIEWER: Do you ever get star struck when you're interviewing a guest?

ME, DENISE: Are you asking because you're experiencing that very thing right now?

INTERVIEWER: Um...

ME, DENISE: It's okay. It happens. I did almost crap myself when I interviewed Melissa Etheridge.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, really?

ME, DENISE: Yeah, it was exciting and weird at the same time. I mean, I like her, but the truth is, I don't own a lot of her music and I've never been to one of her concerts, so it was like interviewing God, but knowing I hadn't been to church in 15 years.

INTERVIEWER: Who's been your favourite celebrity to interview?

ME, DENISE: Oh, that's like asking which cat is my favourite. I love them all.

INTERVIEWER: What's your favourite snack?

ME, DENISE. Again, we're back to the cat thing.

INTERVIEWER: How would you describe your style?

ME, DENISE: "Missing."

INTERVIEWER: What's the best part of your job, as an internet talk show host?

ME, DENISE: The anonymity. Until now. This is huge, right? What is this, Rolling Stone? Maxim?

INTERVIEWER: Do you feel like your persona changed when you got married, because you used to be quite the "skirt chaser" at one time, didn't you?

ME, DENISE: I don't know if my persona changed all that much, Now, I just make my lecherous, pervy comments with regards to my wife and only my wife. So...I'm still a pig. But, just for her.

INTERVIEWER: How do you feel you & Donna have changed over the years?

ME, DENISE: Well, I guess, like most people over 40, we talk about our shits more.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have a man-crush on any guys?

ME, DENISE: Yes, Graham Norton.

INTERVIEWER: How about the quintessential straight girl crush?

ME, DENISE: Mila Kunis.

INTERVIEWER: Who is your favourite celesbian?

ME, DENISE: Any lesbian that never uses the term "celesbian".

INTERVIEWER: How do you like to spend your free time, when you're not working?

ME, DENISE: Doing interviews like this.

INTERVIEWER: In today's world, eco-friendliness is next to godliness, so do you have any earth-saving tips?

ME, DENISE: Save a tree, eat a beaver.

INTERVIEWER: What advice do you have for the next young, lesbian internet sensation?

ME, INTERVIEWER: Suck up to your family, because you'll probably need to borrow money from them some day.

INTERVIEWER: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

ME, DENISE: I wouldn't be a snorer.

INTERVIEWER: You have given out a ton of drink recipes over the years on the show. What's your favourite?

ME, DENISE: Garden hose water.

INTERVIEWER: What kind of goals do you have for the show?

ME, DENISE: I'd be happy kicking it around for another 7 years. Then that's it. 14 years is long enough to bask in mediocrity.

INTERVIEWER: Is there anything you want your fans to know about you that they may not know already?

ME, DENISE: Well, I just told you that I snore, so my secret is out.

INTERVIEWER: Finish this sentence: "My hidden talent is_____"

ME, DENISE: My hidden talent is being able to vomit on cue.

INTERVIEWER: Who were your idols growing up?

ME, DENISE: I had a few... Sharon Gless, Judy Blume, my Mom and which ever cousin got their driver's license before me.

INTERVIEWER: If you could be anything else, what it be?

ME, DENISE: Thinner.

INTERVIEWER: Biggest failure?

ME, DENISE: Quitting tap dance lessons when I was 5.

INTERVIEWER: What do you consider your biggest success?

ME, DENISE: I made a wicked good chili the other day.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any embarrassing moments you can think of...

ME, DENISE:  I once puked in the cat's litter box when I was scooping it--

INTERVIEWER: ....regarding fan encounters?

ME, DENISE: Oh. No.

INTERVIEWER: What is your biggest fear?

ME, DENISE: My biggest fear is that my fear will hold me back from experiencing something great. That ..and stepping on a worm.

INTERVIEWER: What annoys you on a regular basis?

ME, DENISE:  Crumbs on the kitchen counter. And the constant unrest in the Middle East. Ugh.

INTERVIEWER: People say your 40's are the best time of your life...do you agree?

ME, DENISE: When I sneeze, I pee my pants, I complain more than I did 10 years ago, my eggs have dried up, I'm coasting towards menopause and I have lost all sorts of patience over the years, so, yeah, my 40's are THE BEST.

INTERVIEWER: What did you want to be when you grew up?

ME, DENISE:  Tina Fey.

INTERVIEWER: How would you explain your coming out?

ME, DENISE:  Anti-climactic. My shoes gave it away.

INTERVIEWER: Who makes you laugh?

ME, DENISE: My wife. Of course, Donna does, too. My mother.  I don't know, I find humour in every day life, it's all funny to me, I guess.

INTERVIEWER: So what's made you laugh today?

P.R. PERSON: Ok, I think we're done here!

ME, DENISE:  I dutch-ovened my P.R. person in the car on the way here.

The 2012 Golden Kitty Award Winners & Golden Show Moments from The Lesbian Lounge on MyLesbianRadio.com - The Complete List

Golden Kitty Awards & The Lesbian Lounge Golden Show Moments of 2012- Podcast Available Jan 10th on iTunes, or from www.MyLesbianRadio.com

https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/lesbian-lounge/id417672606?mt=2  To download this show & more of our past shows directly from iTunes.





Best Business Decision for The Lesbian Lounge in 2012: (We don't usually do anything business related, so this was big!): Hiring 'Sara-The Intern' and Not going to Key West for WomenFest. "No sweating in public- 2012" was our motivation.

Best Surprise Studio Guest: JD Danner of The JD Danner Band  (She smells SO damn good!)

Best Florida Studio Visit: Shannon Wentworth, Hazel of London, and our business manager Julie (because the laughs never stop when she rolls in)

Best Meal Night: "Big Bear Brewery", Coral Springs, FL (the waitress was a big ol' lezzer!) and "Sorissi Italian", Coconut Creek Casino, Coconut Creek, FL (Denise's Mom pays with her casino points for all five of us)

Best New Food Obsession: The Quest for the Holy Grail of Burgers this year! (Honorable mentions: The BK Bacon Sundae and PopChips)

Favorite New show segment added in 2012:  "Getting to Know You", "New Music" and "Political Fuckery"  (Who knew we had political opinions?)

Best Food of 2012:  "Joe Allen" - The West End in London, Seafood Paella on the Mediterranean Sea in Sitges Spain, near Barcelona, "Charm City Burgers" in
Deerfield, FL and the grilled vegetables that Deb made during Denise's return visit to Florida.

Best Featured Websites on The Lesbian Lounge Show:  www.FisForr.com   www.FemaleFlare.com   www.GaySoFla.com

Best Youth Site Featured on The Lesbian Lounge: www.TheBullyProject.com  &   www.ItGetsBetter.com

Best Trans Site Featured on The Lesbian Lounge: www.MyHusbandBetty.com - En|Gender

Best Alternative Sites/Blogs featured on The Lesbian Lounge: www.Butchtastic.net  &  www.CaniHelpYouSir.com ;

Best Overall Lesbian Lounge Show: The Oct 26 & Oct 31st shows (While Denise was in studio again) and The Pre-Thanksgiving Drunk Show

Best Award Rec'vd by The Lesbian Lounge for 2012:  None. Thanks, lesbians. (Really? After all we do for you??)

Best Lesbian Lounge Interview: Heather Peace, The Extended One Hour "Horse" Interview  (Two of the most downloaded shows this year!)

Best Digital Magazine/E-zine Site:  www.Advocate.com    www.shemag.com  (<--shut up, so we're partial)  www.theseattlelesbian.com

Best Musician: Jen Foster

Best Band: Eeek, HeadsHearts (UK)

Best Band: Playboy School and JD Danner Band (US)

Best Live Music Performance: Horse- in Brighton, at The Thistle Hotel and The L Project at L-Fest

Best New Big Screen Comic: Rebel Wilson

Best Stand Up Comedian: Jen Brister (UK)   Kathy Griffin (US)

Best Anti-Climatic Moment for The Lesbian Lounge: Arriving at Birmingham Pride (UK), and ...of course: 12/21/2012 The Mayan prediction

Best Live Lesbian or LGBT Event:  L-Fest (www.lfest.co.uk) and Honorable Mentions to: Lip Service Fan Event in Glasgow, The Big Gay Lifestyle Show, Olympics (London) and BreastFest 2012 in Wilton Manors, FL

Best Drink of the Week: Tartini (Raspberry Vodka, Raspberry Chambord, Cranberry & Lime Juice)

Best Bar Tab Gay Place featured on The Lesbian Lounge- Actually Visited: Axel Hotel, Barcelona & The Seabreeze B & B in Brighton, UK

Best Lesbian Film: Albert Nobbs, Elena Undone  (Oh come on. Glenn Close!)

Best Bloggers: ButchOnTap.com, LustJester.wordpress.com and GirlyGeekOut.blogspot.co.uk  (interesting, updated regularly, helpful & fun) and I'll throw in mine, since Donna likes it: AmericanLezinLondon.blogspot.com

Best Gay & Lesbian Businesses:  Rainbow Bells (Niagara Falls, NY) and The GayCoffeeCompany in San Fran, CA  www.rainbowbells.com   and www.gaycoffeecompany.com

Best WTF & Uh-Oh Lesbian Lounge On-Air Moments: Donna's detailed description of "fisting", The Masturbation Month of May announcement, Donna reading gay men's advice column from HomoLife.com at Denise's request, and Eproctophelia- the definition.

Best Lesbian Full Length Film Director: Nicole Conn (Please...you knew it would go to her)

Best Lesbian Web series Director: Wendy Jo Carlton

Best Lesbian Web series: Easy Abby (Hurry up, it's only on episode 3, you can catch up!)

Best Lesbian TV Show: Lip Service -2 seasons only totaling 12 episodes (thanks, BBC3), we're dying for MORE!

Best TV Gay Boy Characters: Elijah ("Girls"), Kurt ("Glee"), Cam ("Modern Family"), Thomas ("Downton Abbey")

Best Real Life Gay Boys: Ross Matthews, Alan Carr, Graham Norton  (loveable, all of them)

Best Tweeters: Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5), Angie Davis (@AdarAngie79), Julie Segal (@juliasegal), Vanessa Ramos (@ThatRamosGirl), Frank (@GayAtHomeDad), Alison Egert (@alisonegert)

Worst Tweeters:  Kate Moennig, BravoAndy, EOnline! and PageSix

Best Guest on The Lesbian Lounge: Leslie Bibb ("Popular", "Talladega Nights", "GCB") - helping to create awareness about the "Bully" movie ratings change and did the LA AidsWalk -plus, she swears like a trucker, she's easy on the eyes and we've been crushing on her since her Ryan Murphy days.

Favorite Repeat Guests on The Lesbian Lounge: Fortune Feimster, director Linda Andersson, Denise Spivak of www.womeninnetwork.com  (WIN Network)

Best Live Pee Moment on The Lesbian Lounge Show: When Denise fell off her chair, when Donna dutch-ovened the producer, the first 5 minutes of Denise returning to the Florida studio.

Best Phrase to come about during The Lesbian Lounge Show: "...and in 'Who Gives a Glass of Ass Juice' news..."

Best YouTube video: "8" by Dustin Lance Black,  "The L Project's 'It Gets Better' charity single" and "Denise's Adele impression" (you can view on MyLesbianRadio.com)

Best TV in General: "Modern Family", "Homeland", "Miranda", "Broke Girls"

Best Snarky TV Bitch: Chelsea Handler

Worst Snarky TV Bitch: Joan Rivers (give us a break, PLEASE)

Best Lesbian TV Characters: Tess, "Lip Service" and the new lesbian neighbors on "Modern Family", and Callie "Grey's Anatomy" (late addition: Shay on "Chicago Fire")

Best Lesbian Character on the internet:  Abby - of "Easy Abby" (Lisa Cordileone)

Best Lesbian on TV: Fortune Feimster, Kate McKinnon  (Yep, we've had both of them on our show....)

Worst Lesbian on TV:  Whitney Mixter -"The Real L Word"  (Ew!...Just...ew!) and Romi Klinger (Is she? Isn't she? Point her toward the wallet!)

Best Lesbian Couple: Rosie & Michelle

Worst Lesbian Couple: Jill Goldstein & Nikki Weiss-Goldstein (Ugh, enough with the over exposed Hollywood twiglets)

Best Lesbian (or LGBT) Resource Website:  www.Lesbian.com   www.GayPolitics.com www.LGBTBlogs.com and www.QueerCents.com

Best Lesbian Content Website: www.AfterEllen.com   www.Shewired.com   www.OneMoreLesbian.com   www.TelloFilms.com

Best Lesbian Magazine:  SHE Magazine   DIVA Magazine

Biggest Tool of 2012: (Finally, we give Brad Wollack a break!)  Kirk Cameron &  Chris Brown

Best Lesbian Travel Company: Sweet Travel  (www.discoversweet.com)

Biggest/Best Eco-Friendly Gay: Shannon Wentworth CEO of Sweet Travel (saving the world, one lesbian vacation at a time!)

Best Queer Authors: Sara Waters, Collin Kelley (male), Sara Marx

Best Editors: Diane Anderson-Minshall of The Advocate (no, it's not because Denise is a kiss-ass! Really. Diane is really good!)  Paul Burston (author & editor of Time Out London/Gay)

Best Lesbian "It" Girl: Rachel Maddow

Best Charity, Non-Profit, Awareness or Advocacy Organizations: A.N.G.E.L. Initiative, The L Project, and Diversity Role Models

Best Straight LGBT Supporters:  P!nk, Sally Field, and our Mom's

Best Non-Lesbian Lesbian: Rebel Wilson, Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler

Best Lesbian Place: The Lesbian Lounge (every Wed. at 7pm EST/4pm PST/Midnight GBR) on www.MyLesbianRadio.com - of course.

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

"What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?" Do you remember getting asked that when you were young? I do. When I look back now,  I don't recall "lesbian" being on the list, but alas, it happened. I know I'm more than that and yes, it's a part of who I am, but not really what I do. Or...is it? Actually, I'm not really sure where it falls, but I thought I'd explore it a bit more. I can incorporate being a lesbian into just about any aspect of my life, really. But that little talent didn't happen until I figured things out. Figuring things out didn't happen in any sort of record time.

                                                     
                               
I feel lucky, in a way, that my sexuality didn't intrude on my high school years, that's for sure. I had no clue I was gay back then. I'm sure my outfits would have indicated otherwise had anyone known what exactly a lesbian was back then. Mostly jeans, t-shirts, hoodies, black suede "earth" shoes,  or "Puma" sneakers, but hey, I was wearing eyeliner, blow drying my hair, and bought my share of Dr. Pepper lip gloss. I dated guys once in a while. I wasn't really into the whole dating scene, though. I was more of the chubby, funny party chick who always had weed.

                                                   

So, a boyfriend here and there, maybe a crush or two, some drunken spin-the-bottle games, making out at school dances- the usual shit, I guess. I was a slow starter. Most of my girlfriends had tore through our age group of boys, and moved onto older boyfriends before I even had my first one. But I do remember thinking after a few make out sessions & some dry humping, "Is this really what all my girl friends are going friggin' ape shit about?" Even as an adult, there was something about the way guys kissed that put me off, a bit, and I realized that not much had changed from high school. Always impatient, usually sloppy. They had trigger tongues, first of all. It was like hearing a horse race announcer in my head, "Annnnnd they're off!" Slobbery tongue being jammed down my throat, the heavy breathing, which, instinctively led to their rough hands fumbling around under my classic "Fleetwood Mac" concert t-shirt, trying to get under my bra. The mix of Old Spice deodorant and their Dad's "Pierre Cardin" always clashed with my "Love's Baby Soft" and my Tickle deordorant and there was no regard whatsoever for atmosphere- so any bleacher would do, behind any tree, in any backseat, in anyone's basement, it was about getting it done.

                                                         


It seemed like so little thought went into anything. It's true, I guess, that hormones just take over at that age. It was 1984, what did I know? Not much, that's for sure- seriously, can we discuss "hand jobs"? Dear God. The first time I gave a guy a hand job was in my own basement, on a crappy old leather couch, that wreaked of cigarettes, Phil Collins "Against All Odds" on the radio, the smell from the septic pump wafting through the air- and all over with in about 3 and a half minutes. Nothing in it for me, whatsoever. Possibly a hickey, to show off.  At the time, I didn't think much of it, but looking back: "What the fuck was that?" I didn't have too much to compare it to then, so I went along with the program. Even on TV, when I'd see a guy kiss a Christine Cagney, I was pretty sure I could do a better job (subconsciously).  For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what girls thought was so hot about Tom Selleck and Bruce Willis.

                                                     
                             

I'm almost certain that if I didn't get out of Niagara Falls when I did (at 17), I would not have questioned anything at all and ended up married to a Wheatfield guy, most likely with one divorce behind him, a weekend Dad with a 6 year old, working class, dart player who still listened to ZZ Top that I met in my Uncle's sport bar. I'd probably be wearing the same clothes as I did back then, play on a weekly pool league, drink Stroh's beer and drive a Ford Explorer. Not sayin' that's awful or anything, but something happens when you're exposed to a bigger world than just the town you grew up in, though. Florida happened just after graduation. That opened the doors to a lot more than I had seen in the Falls, even if they did have shirtless bartenders who blew fire out of their mouths in one of the three nightclubs nears Falls Street. Florida had all kinds of things I'd never seen.

                                                                 

In my 20's, I had some pretty cool, half way decent guy sex. The most memorable was probably a one night stand, that could almost be called "My Night as an Almost-Hooker". Oh, shut up, I went on to date the guy for a year after the "miscommunication". All in all, I can't complain, too much. (Well, maybe) It ranged from the considerate, the overly considerate, the inconsiderate and the virtually non-existant. But nothing ever compared to what my girlfriends were talking about over wine & munchies at the local Happy Hour bar. I can clearly remember one of my friends telling me that "the sex was mind blowing"....another one compared it to "fireworks", and another one described it as "adventurous". What the hell was I missing? At best, I could say mine was "nice." I could go as far as to say "It's not horrible at all." But it wasn't Penthouse forum worthy. I usually didn't say much at the girly gatherings, just nodded away, nibbling on Tostitos & salsa.

                                                           

I do remember the first roll in the hay with a girl, though. Like usual, it all starts with a long massage & a candle. (Oh...a build up? What's this ...foreplay? Ooo I like!) For me, it was pretty unexpected that it went as far as it did, and for the surprise factor alone, it was embossed on my brain for years. But along with the vivid memory, complete with foreplay & fireworks, a bunch of other stuff tagged along, like "So, what, now I'm bi?" "Does this make me gay? Is SHE gay?" So, rather than figure it out, I just kind of pretended like it didn't have any effect on me at all. I mean, yeah I did it a time or two more, but all the while thinking, "I still date guys, so, no big deal. I'm not gay." After about a year, it just wore off and I was back on guys full time. Even got married. Not a bad thing to say about it.

                                                                   

I guess what happens is that the things you're suppose to address never really go away if you haven't addressed them. They disappear from time to time, but they're never really gone. In fact, they come back fairly regularly until they get addressed. This is when I knew. And...once you know, it then becomes a "thing" for a while. It's constant. You have to go through the motions: figure it out, acknowledge it, analyze it, become okay with it, come out, ride the wave, good or bad, get comfortable, learn the ins & outs of the community, make your new friends, date half of them, get into a few relationships, learn from them, and then...you have to learn what to do with it all. Where does it fit in to your every day life? You're a chiropractor. You don't get introduced as "a lesbian chiropractor". You're a lawyer, you don't get introduced as "a straight lawyer." UH OH.

                                                               

For me, I was a case manager for a huge insurance company, but I wasn't a gay or straight case manager. Then there was some other stuff.  I dabbled in hosting at women's Spoken Word events, I did some FM radio for a gay morning show- but, I wasn't quite clear where being a "lesbian" fit in. It IS a part of who I am, it doesn't define me. I'm no longer a case manager but then again, at 44 presently, I now own & host a pretty popular LGBT internet podcast, I write for 3 gay & lesbian magazines, I'm married to my wife, I host at some of the largest lesbian weekend & Pride events in two countries, I still dress like a lesbian, have lesbian hair and I have two cats. Clearly, it's a bigger part of the opening question than I ever imagined! For me, that is.